Recapturing Beauty Day 3

List 10 things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with your appearance,then list 10 things you like about your appearance.

Wow! This was tough, but I did it! My lists are in no particular order.

Nothing to Do With My Appearance
1. I'm a mommy to the most wonderful little girl on the planet! I love my munchkin!
2. I'm married to the most wonderful, patient, and loving man on the planet! Lovies to Brad!
3. I graduated from Brigham Young University, 3 days after munchkin was born, and I still walked.
4. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I've been blessed to go the the temple and be sealed to my wonderful family for time and all eternity.
5. I can change a diaper in less than 30 seconds.6. I get to spend my days with munchkin, playing with her and teaching her all about this world and the gospel.
7. My memory is pretty great... but also pretty selective. I can remember things I learned in elementary school, high school, and college very clearly; but other times I can start walking to the bathroom, and forget I had to go and start doing dishes and making dinner.
8. I can make Brad and Naomi laugh, even though it's at me being silly. I like being silly if it makes them smile and laugh.
9. I get to work with kids all the time, helping them learn! I LOVE teaching kids of all ages. I get paid to do what I love-- teach!
10. I'm a big sister to 2 awesome little sisters, and an amazing little brother. I love those kids!

My Appearance
1. My eyes. They are an interesting combination of colors, and I think they are pretty.
2. I'm not hairy. I don't have to pluck my eyebrows, or wax a hairy upper lip, and I only need to shave my legs once every couple of weeks. It's great.
3. I can hold munchkin on my hips easily. And being pregnant was actually pretty comfortable until 38 weeks, thanks to the family hips. I wasn't grateful for them until recently, but now I am oh-so-grateful for them.
4. I can feed my daughter. How awesome is it that I don't have to make a bottle when she's hungry; I can just feed her. At least for a few more months anyway. Some women have a very tough time with breastfeeding, but it's been great for me! (Does this count for appearance? I know breastfeeding has definitely affected my appearance!)
5. my hands. I think they are cute and small, and I like my hands. They do so much for me!
6. I have long "monkey toes." It helps when I need to pick something up but am holding munchkin and can't bend down to get it with a hand.7. I think I have 1 wrinkle... but it's from smiling. And when I'm smiling, you can't tell. So I like to smile a lot. :-)
8. I think the shape of my face is pretty.
9. I've never needed braces because my teeth are naturally pretty straight. yay for no braces!
10. I have strong and healthy fingernails.

11 (bonus). Brad and I made one very VERY cute little munchkin. She got all the best traits from me and Brad and is the epitome of beautiful, inside and out. I love my little munchkin!

And since i have such an amazing husband, and had already done my lists last week, he made a list of 10 thigns he likes about me not related to my appearance, and 10 things he likes about my appearance. what a sweetie! in case i every have trouble remembering why i should love myself, i've always got him.

Not Related to My Appearance (from Brad)
1. I love the respect that you show me even when I'm not around. You value my opinions and never talk bad about me to others when it is tempting to because of something dumb I do or when your friends or peers complain about their husbands.
2. I love your spirituality. You are so close to the spirit in receiving direction when tough choices or trials befall you/us. YOu help motivate me to do better things with my life everyday.
3. I love your ability to be a mother. You're not afraid and always kind and patient with our daughter. She will learn great things from you that she will use for her own parenting skills.
4. I love your uncanny ability to remember things from out of nowhere.
5. I love your tired remarks as we travel: "Oh look! There's horsies; they're not cows!" and "I love the feel of photosynthesis in the morning!" and "Look! a rocketship... in utah!"
6. I love that you love to be clean and like to clean around the house. I really appreciate it when you randomly get into your super-cleaning mode.
7. I lvoe your unconditional love towards your family and mine. The ability to love, not matter what, and show it, is rare these days.
8. I love your ability to forgive me when I do stupid stuff.
9. I love your interest in education. If you lacked anything at all from your current level , I might not be doing what I am in school. You are a great motivation for me. Your interest in education will also help our children do great things in their lives.
10. I love your interest in politics. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't give a darn about them. As you have explained the issues to me and why they are important, I have gained an interest to the point where I might actually vote next time.

My Appearance (from Brad)
1. I love your smiles; ranging from "i'm sweet and innocent" to showing joy around Naomi to just just smiling because you're happy.
2. "i like big butts and I cannot lie..." Yours is perfection.
3. I love your body size. I love being able to rough house with you and not worry too much about hurting you.
4. I love the distribution of your body shape. Your curves are dangerous!
5. I love your breasts.
6. I love your beautiful legs. I really do. Especially when they are tightly wrapped up in your jeans or shorts.
7. I love your red hair, even though it's dyed. It's so beautiful and makes you gorgeous.
8. I love your beautiful blue/rusty eyes. I wish I could just stare into them forever.
9. I love your hands. They scratch my back and head so well, as well as give great shoulder and back massages.
10. I love how you look in the clothes we buy you and the smile it brings to your face when you actually find something in the store that fits you and you love it. It makes me smile for days.

Recapturing Beauty Day 2

Search the definition of beauty in the scriptures. How does this definition differ from the one our culture promotes?

Monday, October 5, 2010
This is really long... This is my answer to the challenge question, below are my notes from searching and studying the scriptures to understand beauty. You don't have to read them, I just want to keep them for my own purposes.

After searching the scriptures, I've felt and overwhelming Love from my Father in Heaven and a greater understanding of what it means to truly be a beautiful person. Beauty to the Lord, in short means having perfect love and becoming like Christ. To be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, charitable, long-suffering, patient, faithful, obedient. To be clean. To have integrity. To love the Lord, your fellowman, and yourself. Being beautiful is all about love!

The idea of beauty in our culture has nothing to do with love, but rather the "counterfeit of love", which is lust (A very wise man said this during a general conference talk in April, if I remember correctly). The world's idea of beauty is entirely physically and does not need love at all. One can be both beautiful to the world, and to God... but in the end, our true and eternal beauty is in our love.

I'm trying to be beautiful.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Recapturing Beauty Day 2.2. Something Brad said yesterday really got me thinking. Happiness makes people beautiful. He was bragging about how cute our munchkin is-- we do that A LOT-- and he said, "I think everyone thinks she is so cute because she smiles all the time. She's such a happy baby." I quickly agreed. Munchkin always looks the cutest and gets every mothers' and strangers' eyes drooling over her cuteness with her wide range of smiles. Then Brad had another genius insight-- "i think she's such a happy baby because she always sees us happy, and we always play with her and smile at her when we see her." It's true. We can't help but smile when she's with us. When she's eating, when she's grunting and trying to you-know-what, when she's sleeping, when she cuddles, when she plays, when she's getting a diaper change, when she's getting dressed, ... all the freakin' time. She lights up our days with those stormy blue eyes full of curiosity and happiness. I hope she stays this happy.

When I last searched the scriptures, I decided that beauty was love. But I'd like to add that happiness is also beauty. When you know that God loves you, and when you love yourself and those around you--> you are happy. Truly happy. And everyone is beautiful when they smile. "If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it!" I can't think of anyone, no matter what they look like, who isn't more beautiful when they smile.

I'm going to do everything I can to teach munchkin that she is a most precious daughter to me and Brad, and to her Heavenly Father. I'm going to start by loving myself. Believing that I AM BEAUTIFUL. I am going to BE BEAUTIFUL. and I'm going to teach her, show her, help her know and be BEAUTIFUL. I don't want her to grow up like I did, thinking i was ugly and worthless. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. and i'm going to remind her of that everyday.
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Genesis 29:17--Rachel, Daughter of Laban and soon to be 2nd wife to Jacob (later Israel) is compared to her sister Leah. "Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favored."

Exodus 28:2-- "And thou shalt make holy garments for Aaron thy brother for glory and beauty." The rest of the chapter goes on to explain with exactness how Aaron's garments should be made. Much of his dress is symbolic, to remind him of his covenants and the covenants of the children of Israel with the Lord. I think this means that those who keep their covenants bring glory to the Lord and are beautiful in His sight.

1 Samuel 16:7,12-- The Lord told the prophet Samuel to go to Jesse because He had appointed one of Jesse's sons to be the next king after Saul. When Samuel arrived, he saw the great stature of Eliab and thought--this must be him; he looks like a king-- "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his counteance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as a man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." After looking at all of Jesse's children, the youngest, David, walks in from the fields after tending the sheep. "Now he [David] was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to. And the Lord said, Arise, anoint him: for this is he."
How often do we judge people on something that they can't control-- like their height? complexion? hair? body shape? We all do it, but God has the power to look into our hearts, wishes, desires, etc, and to see the beauty that the eye is not always aware of, but it shines through in our spirit. David must have smelled bad and been covered in grime from tending the fields, but the light of his countenance-- from obedience to God's commandments and keeping his covenants-- shone though and he was beautiful and good to see despite not being perfectly groomed. Do what you should be doing-- your spirit will be beautiful, and when it matters, those who see you will see your beauty.

1 Chronicles 16:29 -- The people are giving sacrifices and praising the Lord. David writes a psalm of Thanksgiving, here's an excerpt (also quoted in Psalms 29:2): "Give unto the Lord the glory due unto His name: bring an offering, and come before Him: worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness." what stood out to me here was the phrase, "the beauty of holiness." Holiness is beauty unto the Lord. Engage in acts of charity and love; be obedient unto His commandments; fulfill your callings; be holy, and you are beautiful. How often are those who do these things mocked and ridiculed by the world? Made to feel like they are not beautiful because they sacrifice themselves to others? But these humble spirits are the most beautiful and precious to our Father in Heaven.

2 Chronicles 3:6-- Soloman is building the temple, "And he garnished the house with precious stones for beauty: and the gold was gold of Paravaim." The Lord's house was given precious stones, highly valuable, to make it beautiful. The temple is the sacred home of the Lord; sacrifice to get the best must be given to the Lord. It was made with valuable materials because it shows our respect for the Lord to sacrifice worldly goods for His name and bring Him glory. God knows that we, as men and women who live in the world, value things that are pleasing to the eye, and so we use materials that are valuable and beautiful to the eye, to bring people's eyes and minds toward Him.

Ezra 7:27--Ezra is the prophet, Artaxerxes is king of Persia. Artaxerxes provides materials to beautify the temple and Ezra pronounces, "Blessed be the Lord God of our fathers, which hath put such a thing as this in the king's heart, to beautify the house of the Lord which is in Jerusalem.

Esther 2:7-- "the maid was fair and beautiful;" Esther's beauty attracted the king to take her to wife, and she was able to serve her people, the Jews, and protect them against the king's right-hand man who issues a decree to kill the Jews.

Psalm 27:4-- written by David, the king. "One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple." What is the beauty of the Lord? I think it is His wisdom and mercy; to provide a Savior for His children in His great plan of salvation, a plan of happiness for His children. the beauty of the Lord in in His magnificent creations-- this Earth, the heavens, life, animals, and we- His spirit children.

Psalms 48:2-- "Beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth, is mount Zion," What is Zion? It is the pure in heart, the city of the Lord, anywhere that we build it. The pure in heart make it beautiful. The children of the Lord who live in such a way as to welcome the Lord in their presence make it beautiful. The presence of the spirit of the Lord makes it beautiful.
Psalms 50:2-- "Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, god hath shined." Zion is the perfection of beauty. The perfection of beauty if the perfection of ourselves-- to submit ourselves wholly to the Lord and His will. It makes me think on the celestial kingdom. The righteous will dwell with the Lord; it will be beauty at it's most beautiful.

Psalms 90:17-- prayer of Moses, "And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us:" Moses prayer that God will share His love, wisdom, and plan with His children, and it will help them to know their responsibility in the Lord's work.

Psalm 149:4-- "For the Lord taketh pleasure in his people: he will beautify the meek with salvation." the Lord makes us beautiful. when we are meek, when we do our best and follow the Lord, He brings salvation to our souls. When we know, understand, and receive the Atonement, we are filled with happiness. and happy people are beautiful. salvation, and doing what we must to receive salvation makes us beautiful in the eyes of the Lord.

Proverbs 20:29-- "The glory of young men is their strength: and the beauty of old men is the gray head." Well, what is the beauty of young women and old women? I think it is the same for both the young and not-so-young-- in their virtue and charity, and in their capacity to be a loving mother (whether to your own children or others' children), grandmother, sister, friend, daughter, aunt, etc.

Proverbs 31:30-- "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." Focusing ALL our time and energy on making ourselves physically attractive is vain, for with age, it seems to escape no matter what. Spend your time in worthy causes-- a little to make yourself feel well put-together and presentable in appropriate circumstances, and most of your time in doing your duty-- family, work, service, etc.

Ecclesiastes 3:11-- "He hath made everything beautiful in His time: also He hath set the eternal in their heart without which man cannot find out the work that God hath done." this comes after the well known "to everything there is a season..." verses. Beauty also has it's own season, and its season comes on the Lord's time.

Isaiah 4:2-- Speaking of the millenial day when Christ shall rule on the earth, "In that day shall the branch of the Lord be beautiful and glorious, and the fruit of the earth shall be excellent and comely for them that are escaped of Israel." Christ's people are frequently refered to as a symbolic branch; Christ's people will be beautiful and glorious when Christ rules the earth.

Isaiah 33:17-- "Thine eyes shall see the glory of the king in his beauty:" referring to Christ as the King during the Second Coming.

Isaiah 52:7-- "How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!" I have often heard in Sunday school and seminary that this can refer to missionaries, and the beauty of sharing the gospel across all lands, even those that are rocky and dangerous, such as mountains.

Isaiah 53:2-- "For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, adn as a root out of dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall se him, there is no beauty that we should desire him." Isaiah was speaking Messianically, of how when Christ comes, we will not be persuaded to follow Him because He is physically attractive. He shall be humble and come from an unexpected place. But His message is beautiful. This can also be found in the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 14:2)

Isaiah 60:13-- "The glory of lebannon shall come unto thee, the fir tree, the pine tree, and the box together, to beautify the place of my sanctuary; and I will make the place of my feet glorious." Sometimes, Isaiah just don't make a whole lot of sense to me... This is supposed to be referring to the last days... yes, I need to study the OT, especially Isaiah, more.

Isaiah 61:3-- "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might becalled trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified." Again, Isaiah doesn't always make alot of sense to me. But what I get from this is... God blesses those that are going through difficult times in their life; He provides for the needs of those who are suffering loss. I know I've seen the Lord bless people in my life as they have lost loved ones this year. It hurts, but God is there every step of the way, and with His help we can still find beauty and thigns to be happy about when overwhelmingly sad things happen to us.

Matthew 23:27-- "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within filled with dead men's bones, and of all uncleanliness" Christ was rebuking the scribes and Pharisees for their hypocrisy. Beauty on theoutside can be deceiving; the important thing is that we are beautiful within our bodies and our spirit. Beauty is having integrity.

1 Nephi 11:8-- "And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me: Look! And I looked and beheld a tree; and it was like unto the tree which my father had seen; and the beauty thereof was far beyond, yea, exceeding of all beauty; and the whiteness thereof did exceed the whiteness of the driven snow." Nephi is describing the vision of the tree of life. The tree was a representation of the love of God (see 1 Nephi 11:25). The love of God is a beauty beyond all other beauties in this world.

Doctrine & Covenants 42:40--"And again, thou shalt not be proud in thy heart; let all thy garments be plain, and their beauty the beauty of thine own hands;" I think this is saying that to be self-sufficient and hard-working is beautiful, but to be proud and lift yourself above others based on how you dress is not beautiful. Humility and hard work is beautiful.

Doctrine & Covenants 82:14-- "For Zion must increase in beauty, and in holiness; her boarders must be enlarged; her stakes must be strengthened; yea, verily, I say unto you, Zion must arise and put on her beautiful garments." God is telling His people that they must increase in beauty, in beauty to the Lord. Zion must become more holy, humble, obedient. Zion must have integrity and not full of hypocrisy. Zion must work hard. Zion must follow the commandments of the Lord and do His work.

Recapturing Beauty Day 1

Refrain from weighing yourself today and for the rest of the challenge.
with an additionat end for mon. oct 11, the real day 1 of the challenge.

Monday, October 4, 2010
Thanks to some great advice from a very smart woman, I've been personally challenging myself to refrain from weighing myself for a few weeks now. It definitely makes a difference in how I feel about myself. I'm not obsessing over a number on the scale, but rather, focusing on how my body feels. I'm not focusing on my pant size either because I've just come to understand that having a baby changes my body shape. I cant judge myself based on before my pregnancy, because my body has changed, and I would never take back having my precious munchkin.

Today was a real challenge to not get upset about my body shape and pant/skirt size. Tomorrow is a wedding, adn I was looking for a new skirt to wear. Time after time, I looked at the size tag and had to keep reminding myself-- it's just a number. It doesn't matter the number, but if it fits, it will look better than something with a smaller number. (thank you, What Not To Wear!). I hate shopping for clothes. It always finds a way to depress me about the way I look. But after every store, I just reminded myself-- I'm beautiful. I'm not going to let numbers determine how I feel about myself. It was TOUGH. But finally, at JC Penny's, I found a very pretty plum colored dress-- on the clearance rack-- it fit! And I love it! I'm so glad I persisted ad didn't give up and get depressed like I usually do. It was supposed to be a $90 dress, but it was 80% off. I paid less than $20! Talk about a good ego boost. Picture will be posted soon!

I'm beautiful. And so are you.

Monday, October 11, 2010
ok, so here's round two! Since i started a week early, i noticed day 5 and 6, and recognized that those are tougher challenges for me than some of the others. I've noticed that I constantly compare myself to other women-- and it's usually in a way that makes me think everyone else is prettier than me. i'm challenging myself to not do that the whole challenge, not just day 5 or 6, i don't remember which. i'm going to challenge myself to not only not compare myself to others, but when i find that i am, i need to replace those thoughts with something positive... any ideas what those positive things should be?

i am beautiful.

You Do the Hokey Pokey and You Turn Yourself Around

That's what it's all about.

Especially when you're a mommy. Man, I got turned around this week. The recapturing beauty challenge doesn't start til next monday... i started it this past monday. So I get to turn myself around and do it all over again starting monday. but i've love this. i'm enjoying the challenges, and i'm really feeling better about myself this week. thanks BYU Women's Services for this awesome oportunity.
Yesterday, I did something really strange. at least for me. I did the hokey pokey. in the middle of the library. out loud. and YES, I DID turn myself around. it all started while wakling to the library with munchkin. she was straped to me in the baby carrier, facing outwards. she was wearing a warm foot pajamas outfit, but her hands were really cold while outside. so i held her hands, but she didn't want me to hold them in one place. so i started moving them out and in, in and out. well, needless to say, I started singling the hocky pokey in my head, and before I knew what I was doing, I started singing out loud and turning myself around. we got into the library, and i didn't stop.
"you put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. you put your left hand in and you shake it all about. you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. that's what it's all about! yeah!"

i got the strangest looks. from the confused "what the hell is that woman doing?!?!" stare to the "awe, look at the mommy making a fool of her self" smile.

but you know what. since i started this recapturing beauty thing early, i've felt a desire to not just be beautiful for myself, but to teach my munchkin that she is beautiful. i don't want her to be like me and constantly doubting herself, her appearance, and her self worth. and that begins with me being a good mommy. a beautiful mommy. a confident mommy that isn't afraid to make herself look absolutely ridiculous doing the hokey pokey in the middle of the library, because she loves herself. if i can be confident and beautiful enough to do THAT yesterday, and today, and tomorrow... and all the other days, then as my munchkin grows up, she will know that she is beautiful, worthy, and amazing. that she can do all those crazy things, and at the end of the day, she is SO LOVED! by her mommy and daddy. by her Heavenly Father. by her friends and family, and everyone that matters.

i love my munchkin. she is beautiful. and i'm going to be her beautiful mommy.

Feeling Good

just to start out-- thanks everyone for your wonderfully sincere and helpful comments to my last post. I was feeling really down about myself, and it's good to know that i wasn't crazy and other mommy's go through similar feelings after having their precious baby. I love my munchkin so much-- and even though stretch marks don't go away, and i'll always have an extra bit of skin pudge on my formerly flat and firm tummy, and countless other things that have changed about my body-- I take comfort in these things:

1. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me. And I love Him.
2. My husband loves me. And the way I look, even if I don't all the time.
3. This little munchkin is worth it.4. And so are all the munchkins to come (note: none are en route, and I plan to keep it that way for a while!).

But really, this post is all about feeling good. I took Lauren's advice and am not using the weighing feature on the WiiFit. And I'm hiding the bathroom scale. All my past efforts at exercising have failed after a month or so because I obsessed with the number on the scale. I'd find that I was actually gaining weight after a month of rigorous exercising every day. It would spiral into an obsession with the number on my scale, and I would quit out of frustration, disappointment, and a sinking depression that NOTHING WORKS!

Brad and I developed this list of 3 rules/goals back in early August, and so far I've kept them pretty well.
1. Exercise 5 times per week for at least 30 min.
*Must be spread out over at least 4 days. (basically, this allowed some leeway in cases of illness, or traveling, or other extenuating circumstances. I would just have to exercise for 1 hr instead of 30 minutes one of the 4 days.)
2. Eat no more than 3 deserts per week; no more than 1 dessert per day. (so i can't save up my desserts for 1 day, and if i don't eat one until the last 2 days of the week, i've lost a dessert for the week. no roll overs!)
3. No eating after 8pm. Drinks ok.
*In extenuating circumstances, this can replaced with rule 3b. If eating food after 8pm, I must exercise extra after eating and cannot go to sleep for 3 hours after finishing eating.

As an incentive, we devised a reward system that's not directly connected to the scale.
1. Receive $5 for personal use if I obey all requirements/meet all goals for the week (Mon-Sun).
2. No money received if 1 rule violated/goal not met once in the week.
3. $5 lost if 2 or more rules violated/goals not met in the week.
4. Bonus $5 rewarded if I exercise all 7 days in a week for 30 min or more each time.

I've earned $10 once, $5 3 or 4 times, and earned no money 2 weeks. I've never lost money. On this plan.

I'm so grateful to my wonderful husband that is so supportive and "sponsors" this health plan for me! Since combining my plan with a self-determination to not even look at a scale; I have to admit-- I feel fantastic. I'm not obsessing about whether or not my plan is "working" based on how much I weigh. I realize that was a very poor assessment of my plan. So I'm now basing the success of my plan on keeping my health goals and how my body feels. I'd probably give myself an A- on keeping my health goals and an A for how my body feels right now. I'm feeling good. I'm super curious what the scale would tell me, but it can keep it to itself. I don't want this successful feeling to go away.

Postpartum Eating Disorder?

I don't know how to begin this... and I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it. I think I just want to know if this is normal, if if there's something wrong with me. so here it goes--

This has been on my mind obsessively since last week. I got a stomach bug that kept me in the bathroom for about 3 days (sorry, this may be TMI), and I hardly ate anything for the week. Because of this, I lost nearly 10 lbs in 3 days.

Since having a baby, I've been borderline obsessed with my weight. I check it almost everyday on our Wii Fit. Every fraction of a pound gained or lost can make or break my mood for the rest of the day. And when I realized that I lost almost 10 lbs in 3 days (because I hadn't eaten and "purged" myself of all food in me due to being sick)-- I was ecstatic, thrilled, excited, overjoyed, etc! I wanted to celebrate. and never eat again.

Celebrate what? after a few minutes on contemplating why I was happy, I realized that this seems sick. celebrating being sick to lose weight? what was wrong with me?

That night, I was able to eat a full dinner. And when I was done, I wanted nothing more than to get sick. Feeling full made me feel fat. I wanted every calorie I just ate to go away. But again, I realize this before going to the bathroom, and I KNOW that thinking like that will only lead to eating disordered behavior. So I didn't do what my stomach was crying out for me to do, and instead, I just went to the living room to weigh myself on the WiiFit, do some yoga, and feel depressed until I go to bed.

And every time it's meal time, I have an internal battle. To eat or not to eat? To purge or not to purge? And every time, I know that the correct answer is to eat something healthy, and to not purge it. Because if I don't eat, or if I purge it-- that means I have an eating disorder. And I don't.

Right?

I told my husband about how I've been feeling last night and he suggested I do some research. This is a study I found on postpartum and eating disorders. I'm still not sure if it helps. It basically said that women are really concerned about their weight after having a baby. Well, duh! I don't need a study to tell me that.

And, like I said, I've been obsessive about this lately.
-I still eat "normally", meaning I don't binge and I don't starve. Though there are times when I forget to eat because I'm busy taking care of a baby or working.
-I've never purposefully purged. I'm just happy when I get sick and can't keep food in me.
-I don't count calories. In fact, I don't even look at calorie content so that I won't count calories obsessively.
-I don't over-exercise. Who can with a new baby? But I won't lie-- if I could exercise all day, I would live on an elliptical or treadmill, or in a pool.
+On a side note, this also makes me think of when I was in high school. My junior year, I'm pretty sure I had some disordered eating/exercising problem. All I would eat was lettuce or celery (because someone had told me they have "negative calories", meaning that you burn more calories eating them than are in the food) and I would workout for 2 hours after school everyday until the school gym closed.

Do I have an eating disorder? Does anyone else do this?

Our Little Chatterbox

ok, so this was like, a month ago and i'm just getting it up here. being a mommy keeps you busy! enjoy!

Our munchkin is becoming a little chatterbox. And I LOVE it! She is so much fun to talk to, even if it is only baby babble. She can be excited, or serious, or playful, of any range of emotion and communicate that through her babble. She has intonations like in normal speech.

My little munchkin is so smart!

Post-Pregnancy Woes and Wonders

Having a baby changes your life-- well, duh. Anyone can tell you that, even if they don't have kids. I mean, one day you don't have a baby and the next you do. But I've discovered that after having a baby, there are things that change that don't necessarily have anything directly to do with that cute little bundle of joy. Here's my post-pregnancy woes and wonders.

Woes
1. stretch marks. they don't go away. they might fade and not look so bright, but it still leaves my skin feeling like a balloon formerly stuffed with pudding and now deflated and some pudding is still trapped inside. ugh!2. i've lost my abs. now, i've never been what people would call small, but i have to admit that i was quite proud of my "small" and FIRM abs. i mean, i could do 100 crunches or sit ups without breaking a sweat before i was preggers, and now i struggle to do a measly 10. and i've got a post-preggo gut. thanks, Heavenly Father for this humbling experience of losing my most prized feature of this wonderful body.










3. i thought my hips were huge before... boy, was i wrong. turns out, carrying and then pushing a baby out from between my hips made them even bigger.
4. i've lost all the baby weight and am a few pounds below my pre-preggy weight (this is NOT a woe!), and yet, all my clothes are too small. how does this happen???
5. my boobs can vary in size by over 1 cup size depending on time of day and how recently munchkin has eaten, and many times, i'm lopsided. especially in the morning when i feel like my left side is about to explode!
6. i'm losing hair... i loved my thicker hair while pregnant, and now i think i've lost enough to make myself a decent wig with my own hair.
7. you remember how when you're in high school and you think that everyone is always watching and judging you? but they're really not cuz everyone's too self-conscious and busy thinking the same thing that they don't really care about you. well, when you're a mom, suddenly, everyone and their dog is watching and judging you. perfect strangers in the baby section of a store can tell you how terrible a mother you are for letting your child have a binkie, buying less than the most expensive all-natural diapers, feeding your baby "evil" canned baby food "full of dangerous preservatives" instead of all-natural homemade baby food, and putting blue on a baby girl (because, of course we WANT to give her gender confusion and make everyone think she's a boy...?).

Wonders
1. I'm a mom. This seriously still amazes me everyday; i don't think it will ever cease to amaze me. This in itself is enough to balance out the above woes, but I'll continue.
2. I love someone that pukes on me on a daily basis. And occasionally poops or pees on me too; and then smiles about it.
3. I produce a 24 hr buffet for a baby. How awesome is it that my body was designed to feed my baby. I think it's pretty cool!
4. Breastfeeding and taking the mini-pill = no period! I love this!5. Watching my munchkin learn to do the simplest thing- like touch her feet to put them in her mouth, rolling over, laughing, smiling, and recognize her name.




6. Naomi sleeps through the night like an angel-- usually 10pm to 7 or 7:30am. I am probably the world's most spoiled mommy, because I can still get a full night's sleep almost every night!
7. Brad can and does change dirty diapers very often when he's home; even though he was adamantly opposed to it before munchkin was born. He's the best father and husband in the world!

A Grateful Heart is a Happy Heart

so, yesterday, munchkin was crying and i was getting a headache, and decided a nice walk outside would do us both some good. while out, i decided to go to the grocery store because we needed some milk and bread.

at the check out, the cashier-lady commented on how adorable she was. i mean, who can resist munchkin's cute little baby smiles? then she proceeds to tell me how much she would love to be able to stay home with her kids and just take care of them, and not have to work.
***now, i've been trying to find a a job all summer, so far, without success.***
and here's this kind woman here to remind me how awesome it is that i get to be a full-time mommy all day, everyday.

all i can reply is: "well, i'm very lucky right now. i get to do just that!"

I love my munchkin. I've decided that things will work out for the best. whether that means i get a job, or I get to stay home with munchkin. either one is good: a job means i can support out family; brad can take a full class load and quit his job (or at least cut back on hours); and we can move back east sooner. but staying at home with munchkin means: i get to see her everyday as she grows and develops SO FREAKIN" FAST and we don't have to leave her with a babysitter.

I love being a mommy, and I love my family. I'm so grateful I get to spend so much time with them. I'm happy!

What's Wrong???

Ok, so I'm on the job hunt. when i tell people this, they always ask: how's that going?

I reply: not so well, but i'm trying to stay postive. something has to come up. it just has to.
and the inevitable response is something along the lines of: have you tried (this)?
yes
have you looked here?
yes.
have you talked to someone?
yes.
well, what about . . .?

yes, people! i've done it all! I have applied for EVERY, literally, EVERY teaching job that i'm qualified for within 1 hr driving radius from provo. public schools, private schools, charter schools. i've registered with teacher-teachers.com, and every school district website in utah, jobs.utah.gov, americorps.com, and monster.com. i've gone to career workshops and counselors. i've built and rebuilt my resume a dozen times. i spend 5-6 hrs per day on the computer looking for jobs. i don't know what else i can do!!! and i'm still not getting called even for an interview!

what else can i do? because the impression i get from some (not all, but quite a few) is that i obviously must not be trying hard enough or i'm doing something wrong. hell, i'm even doing my spiritual part-- praying, paying tithing and fast offering (or rather, encouraging my husband to do so cuz i don't exactly get paid in anything more than dirty diapers and baby smiles), and i would be fasting (only i'm breastfeeding, and that don't mix well with fasting).

I want a job. I need a job. and i'm doing everything i possibly can to get one. i'm frustrated and stressed about how to pay rent and how my family is going to eat once brad starts classes again in a little over a month.

what am i doing wrong?