I don't know how to begin this... and I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it. I think I just want to know if this is normal, if if there's something wrong with me. so here it goes--
This has been on my mind obsessively since last week. I got a stomach bug that kept me in the bathroom for about 3 days (sorry, this may be TMI), and I hardly ate anything for the week. Because of this, I lost nearly 10 lbs in 3 days.
Since having a baby, I've been borderline obsessed with my weight. I check it almost everyday on our Wii Fit. Every fraction of a pound gained or lost can make or break my mood for the rest of the day. And when I realized that I lost almost 10 lbs in 3 days (because I hadn't eaten and "purged" myself of all food in me due to being sick)-- I was ecstatic, thrilled, excited, overjoyed, etc! I wanted to celebrate. and never eat again.
Celebrate what? after a few minutes on contemplating why I was happy, I realized that this seems sick. celebrating being sick to lose weight? what was wrong with me?
That night, I was able to eat a full dinner. And when I was done, I wanted nothing more than to get sick. Feeling full made me feel fat. I wanted every calorie I just ate to go away. But again, I realize this before going to the bathroom, and I KNOW that thinking like that will only lead to eating disordered behavior. So I didn't do what my stomach was crying out for me to do, and instead, I just went to the living room to weigh myself on the WiiFit, do some yoga, and feel depressed until I go to bed.
And every time it's meal time, I have an internal battle. To eat or not to eat? To purge or not to purge? And every time, I know that the correct answer is to eat something healthy, and to not purge it. Because if I don't eat, or if I purge it-- that means I have an eating disorder. And I don't.
Right?
I told my husband about how I've been feeling last night and he suggested I do some research. This is a study I found on postpartum and eating disorders. I'm still not sure if it helps. It basically said that women are really concerned about their weight after having a baby. Well, duh! I don't need a study to tell me that.
And, like I said, I've been obsessive about this lately.
-I still eat "normally", meaning I don't binge and I don't starve. Though there are times when I forget to eat because I'm busy taking care of a baby or working.
-I've never purposefully purged. I'm just happy when I get sick and can't keep food in me.
-I don't count calories. In fact, I don't even look at calorie content so that I won't count calories obsessively.
-I don't over-exercise. Who can with a new baby? But I won't lie-- if I could exercise all day, I would live on an elliptical or treadmill, or in a pool.
+On a side note, this also makes me think of when I was in high school. My junior year, I'm pretty sure I had some disordered eating/exercising problem. All I would eat was lettuce or celery (because someone had told me they have "negative calories", meaning that you burn more calories eating them than are in the food) and I would workout for 2 hours after school everyday until the school gym closed.
Do I have an eating disorder? Does anyone else do this?
3 comments:
I think the term "disorder" might be misleading. We all have varying degrees of weird ways we think about food and our bodies. The more intense and obsessive we get about it, the worse it probably is, but I don't know that there is a set point where you suddenly have an eating disorder. Or maybe that point is when you do start throwing up on purpose.
I have been struggling with these same issues ever since I had Bennett. After I had jr., I didn't let myself obsess about it-- I just felt fat most of the time but tried to push it to the back of my mind and exercise and eat when I wanted to.
As of now, I am on a no-sugar diet for a month but I still eat as much healthy food as I want. I know it's probably not a good idea to give yourself too many restrictions, because then your body starts to feel deprived and that can backlash and make you eat too much. But I still haven't figured all of this out yet.
I think my best idea was the one I started in February-- the eat 3 desserts a week, eat 2 vegetables a day plan. I felt like I was sticking to something, but I didn't feel deprived. I also exercised as often and intensely as I could.
The result? I am still obsessive, and it still haunts me all day every day. But I know that my husband loves me no matter what, and that I now have two beautiful boys.
That has to be enough!! We can do it, Marie. All it takes is willpower. :) :) :)
(Also, my mother has struggled with an eating disorder most of her life. She says she has found freedom in seeking for the Lord's help-- realizing that there is just no possible way out of it on her own. Once she accepted that she needed help and couldn't do it on her own, she has been able to rely on the Savior and the Church's Addiction Recovery program.)
I think you are just going through a phase. After I had my first I weighed 10lbs. less than before I had gotten pregnant with him and I was two sizes larger. I started changing what I ate and got obsessive about the number on the scale. I would get so upset so easily at gaining muscle weight. I hated my body, I hated how different it looked.
After I had Liam, I felt so different. I felt proud of myself. I was forgetting what I looked like before I ever had kids and started feeling good about my changed body. I am still two sizes larger than I was before I had kids, but I feel good about myself. I eat healthy and do things to help me boost my confidence.
Before you can really invest yourself in changing your body, you must first accept and love yourself how you are, currently. You are beautiful and you have a husband who adores you. He will adore you even more if you get yourself a little confidence. You put your body through something amazing. You should feel proud and love yourself. These are the things I wish I could go back and say to myself back then. I hope this helps. Give me a call sometime if you need another boost.
I have a million things to say to this...
It's rough to have your body go through such a hard thing like growing a baby inside for 9 months and then try to "recover" from it. It's especially hard in this culture full of those fake perfect bodies.
I think one of the first things you need to do is to avoid the weight feature on WiiFit. If you can't turn the function off, then maybe you should have Brad hide the game from you until you're not worried about the number anymore. It's really unhealthy to obsess about numbers. They are really just numbers. One of the rules I try to do for myself is to not worry about numbers (calories, weight, size etc). Super hard and I'm not good at it all the time! I'm already dreading my doctor's appointment on Monday because I'm thinking they're going to weigh me. We have a scale since Aaron needs to know his weight for Jiu Jitsu, but I tip it up so I'm not tempted to stand on it. It's taken a lot of practice and self control.
As a therapist, I would say you have disordered eating/negative body image. It's not as bad as it could be. I've definitely seen a lot of women post partum and in every other situation that struggle with this and I definitely struggle with it myself.
I think it's great that you're talking about it though. That's usually one of the most helpful things to do. Talk to other women that feel the same/similar, but also take steps in your life to change bad behaviors. Let me know if you want more tips or references of things to read/places to go.
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