Feeling Good

just to start out-- thanks everyone for your wonderfully sincere and helpful comments to my last post. I was feeling really down about myself, and it's good to know that i wasn't crazy and other mommy's go through similar feelings after having their precious baby. I love my munchkin so much-- and even though stretch marks don't go away, and i'll always have an extra bit of skin pudge on my formerly flat and firm tummy, and countless other things that have changed about my body-- I take comfort in these things:

1. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me. And I love Him.
2. My husband loves me. And the way I look, even if I don't all the time.
3. This little munchkin is worth it.4. And so are all the munchkins to come (note: none are en route, and I plan to keep it that way for a while!).

But really, this post is all about feeling good. I took Lauren's advice and am not using the weighing feature on the WiiFit. And I'm hiding the bathroom scale. All my past efforts at exercising have failed after a month or so because I obsessed with the number on the scale. I'd find that I was actually gaining weight after a month of rigorous exercising every day. It would spiral into an obsession with the number on my scale, and I would quit out of frustration, disappointment, and a sinking depression that NOTHING WORKS!

Brad and I developed this list of 3 rules/goals back in early August, and so far I've kept them pretty well.
1. Exercise 5 times per week for at least 30 min.
*Must be spread out over at least 4 days. (basically, this allowed some leeway in cases of illness, or traveling, or other extenuating circumstances. I would just have to exercise for 1 hr instead of 30 minutes one of the 4 days.)
2. Eat no more than 3 deserts per week; no more than 1 dessert per day. (so i can't save up my desserts for 1 day, and if i don't eat one until the last 2 days of the week, i've lost a dessert for the week. no roll overs!)
3. No eating after 8pm. Drinks ok.
*In extenuating circumstances, this can replaced with rule 3b. If eating food after 8pm, I must exercise extra after eating and cannot go to sleep for 3 hours after finishing eating.

As an incentive, we devised a reward system that's not directly connected to the scale.
1. Receive $5 for personal use if I obey all requirements/meet all goals for the week (Mon-Sun).
2. No money received if 1 rule violated/goal not met once in the week.
3. $5 lost if 2 or more rules violated/goals not met in the week.
4. Bonus $5 rewarded if I exercise all 7 days in a week for 30 min or more each time.

I've earned $10 once, $5 3 or 4 times, and earned no money 2 weeks. I've never lost money. On this plan.

I'm so grateful to my wonderful husband that is so supportive and "sponsors" this health plan for me! Since combining my plan with a self-determination to not even look at a scale; I have to admit-- I feel fantastic. I'm not obsessing about whether or not my plan is "working" based on how much I weigh. I realize that was a very poor assessment of my plan. So I'm now basing the success of my plan on keeping my health goals and how my body feels. I'd probably give myself an A- on keeping my health goals and an A for how my body feels right now. I'm feeling good. I'm super curious what the scale would tell me, but it can keep it to itself. I don't want this successful feeling to go away.

Postpartum Eating Disorder?

I don't know how to begin this... and I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it. I think I just want to know if this is normal, if if there's something wrong with me. so here it goes--

This has been on my mind obsessively since last week. I got a stomach bug that kept me in the bathroom for about 3 days (sorry, this may be TMI), and I hardly ate anything for the week. Because of this, I lost nearly 10 lbs in 3 days.

Since having a baby, I've been borderline obsessed with my weight. I check it almost everyday on our Wii Fit. Every fraction of a pound gained or lost can make or break my mood for the rest of the day. And when I realized that I lost almost 10 lbs in 3 days (because I hadn't eaten and "purged" myself of all food in me due to being sick)-- I was ecstatic, thrilled, excited, overjoyed, etc! I wanted to celebrate. and never eat again.

Celebrate what? after a few minutes on contemplating why I was happy, I realized that this seems sick. celebrating being sick to lose weight? what was wrong with me?

That night, I was able to eat a full dinner. And when I was done, I wanted nothing more than to get sick. Feeling full made me feel fat. I wanted every calorie I just ate to go away. But again, I realize this before going to the bathroom, and I KNOW that thinking like that will only lead to eating disordered behavior. So I didn't do what my stomach was crying out for me to do, and instead, I just went to the living room to weigh myself on the WiiFit, do some yoga, and feel depressed until I go to bed.

And every time it's meal time, I have an internal battle. To eat or not to eat? To purge or not to purge? And every time, I know that the correct answer is to eat something healthy, and to not purge it. Because if I don't eat, or if I purge it-- that means I have an eating disorder. And I don't.

Right?

I told my husband about how I've been feeling last night and he suggested I do some research. This is a study I found on postpartum and eating disorders. I'm still not sure if it helps. It basically said that women are really concerned about their weight after having a baby. Well, duh! I don't need a study to tell me that.

And, like I said, I've been obsessive about this lately.
-I still eat "normally", meaning I don't binge and I don't starve. Though there are times when I forget to eat because I'm busy taking care of a baby or working.
-I've never purposefully purged. I'm just happy when I get sick and can't keep food in me.
-I don't count calories. In fact, I don't even look at calorie content so that I won't count calories obsessively.
-I don't over-exercise. Who can with a new baby? But I won't lie-- if I could exercise all day, I would live on an elliptical or treadmill, or in a pool.
+On a side note, this also makes me think of when I was in high school. My junior year, I'm pretty sure I had some disordered eating/exercising problem. All I would eat was lettuce or celery (because someone had told me they have "negative calories", meaning that you burn more calories eating them than are in the food) and I would workout for 2 hours after school everyday until the school gym closed.

Do I have an eating disorder? Does anyone else do this?