Recapturing Beauty Day 1

Refrain from weighing yourself today and for the rest of the challenge.
with an additionat end for mon. oct 11, the real day 1 of the challenge.

Monday, October 4, 2010
Thanks to some great advice from a very smart woman, I've been personally challenging myself to refrain from weighing myself for a few weeks now. It definitely makes a difference in how I feel about myself. I'm not obsessing over a number on the scale, but rather, focusing on how my body feels. I'm not focusing on my pant size either because I've just come to understand that having a baby changes my body shape. I cant judge myself based on before my pregnancy, because my body has changed, and I would never take back having my precious munchkin.

Today was a real challenge to not get upset about my body shape and pant/skirt size. Tomorrow is a wedding, adn I was looking for a new skirt to wear. Time after time, I looked at the size tag and had to keep reminding myself-- it's just a number. It doesn't matter the number, but if it fits, it will look better than something with a smaller number. (thank you, What Not To Wear!). I hate shopping for clothes. It always finds a way to depress me about the way I look. But after every store, I just reminded myself-- I'm beautiful. I'm not going to let numbers determine how I feel about myself. It was TOUGH. But finally, at JC Penny's, I found a very pretty plum colored dress-- on the clearance rack-- it fit! And I love it! I'm so glad I persisted ad didn't give up and get depressed like I usually do. It was supposed to be a $90 dress, but it was 80% off. I paid less than $20! Talk about a good ego boost. Picture will be posted soon!

I'm beautiful. And so are you.

Monday, October 11, 2010
ok, so here's round two! Since i started a week early, i noticed day 5 and 6, and recognized that those are tougher challenges for me than some of the others. I've noticed that I constantly compare myself to other women-- and it's usually in a way that makes me think everyone else is prettier than me. i'm challenging myself to not do that the whole challenge, not just day 5 or 6, i don't remember which. i'm going to challenge myself to not only not compare myself to others, but when i find that i am, i need to replace those thoughts with something positive... any ideas what those positive things should be?

i am beautiful.

You Do the Hokey Pokey and You Turn Yourself Around

That's what it's all about.

Especially when you're a mommy. Man, I got turned around this week. The recapturing beauty challenge doesn't start til next monday... i started it this past monday. So I get to turn myself around and do it all over again starting monday. but i've love this. i'm enjoying the challenges, and i'm really feeling better about myself this week. thanks BYU Women's Services for this awesome oportunity.
Yesterday, I did something really strange. at least for me. I did the hokey pokey. in the middle of the library. out loud. and YES, I DID turn myself around. it all started while wakling to the library with munchkin. she was straped to me in the baby carrier, facing outwards. she was wearing a warm foot pajamas outfit, but her hands were really cold while outside. so i held her hands, but she didn't want me to hold them in one place. so i started moving them out and in, in and out. well, needless to say, I started singling the hocky pokey in my head, and before I knew what I was doing, I started singing out loud and turning myself around. we got into the library, and i didn't stop.
"you put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. you put your left hand in and you shake it all about. you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. that's what it's all about! yeah!"

i got the strangest looks. from the confused "what the hell is that woman doing?!?!" stare to the "awe, look at the mommy making a fool of her self" smile.

but you know what. since i started this recapturing beauty thing early, i've felt a desire to not just be beautiful for myself, but to teach my munchkin that she is beautiful. i don't want her to be like me and constantly doubting herself, her appearance, and her self worth. and that begins with me being a good mommy. a beautiful mommy. a confident mommy that isn't afraid to make herself look absolutely ridiculous doing the hokey pokey in the middle of the library, because she loves herself. if i can be confident and beautiful enough to do THAT yesterday, and today, and tomorrow... and all the other days, then as my munchkin grows up, she will know that she is beautiful, worthy, and amazing. that she can do all those crazy things, and at the end of the day, she is SO LOVED! by her mommy and daddy. by her Heavenly Father. by her friends and family, and everyone that matters.

i love my munchkin. she is beautiful. and i'm going to be her beautiful mommy.

Feeling Good

just to start out-- thanks everyone for your wonderfully sincere and helpful comments to my last post. I was feeling really down about myself, and it's good to know that i wasn't crazy and other mommy's go through similar feelings after having their precious baby. I love my munchkin so much-- and even though stretch marks don't go away, and i'll always have an extra bit of skin pudge on my formerly flat and firm tummy, and countless other things that have changed about my body-- I take comfort in these things:

1. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me. And I love Him.
2. My husband loves me. And the way I look, even if I don't all the time.
3. This little munchkin is worth it.4. And so are all the munchkins to come (note: none are en route, and I plan to keep it that way for a while!).

But really, this post is all about feeling good. I took Lauren's advice and am not using the weighing feature on the WiiFit. And I'm hiding the bathroom scale. All my past efforts at exercising have failed after a month or so because I obsessed with the number on the scale. I'd find that I was actually gaining weight after a month of rigorous exercising every day. It would spiral into an obsession with the number on my scale, and I would quit out of frustration, disappointment, and a sinking depression that NOTHING WORKS!

Brad and I developed this list of 3 rules/goals back in early August, and so far I've kept them pretty well.
1. Exercise 5 times per week for at least 30 min.
*Must be spread out over at least 4 days. (basically, this allowed some leeway in cases of illness, or traveling, or other extenuating circumstances. I would just have to exercise for 1 hr instead of 30 minutes one of the 4 days.)
2. Eat no more than 3 deserts per week; no more than 1 dessert per day. (so i can't save up my desserts for 1 day, and if i don't eat one until the last 2 days of the week, i've lost a dessert for the week. no roll overs!)
3. No eating after 8pm. Drinks ok.
*In extenuating circumstances, this can replaced with rule 3b. If eating food after 8pm, I must exercise extra after eating and cannot go to sleep for 3 hours after finishing eating.

As an incentive, we devised a reward system that's not directly connected to the scale.
1. Receive $5 for personal use if I obey all requirements/meet all goals for the week (Mon-Sun).
2. No money received if 1 rule violated/goal not met once in the week.
3. $5 lost if 2 or more rules violated/goals not met in the week.
4. Bonus $5 rewarded if I exercise all 7 days in a week for 30 min or more each time.

I've earned $10 once, $5 3 or 4 times, and earned no money 2 weeks. I've never lost money. On this plan.

I'm so grateful to my wonderful husband that is so supportive and "sponsors" this health plan for me! Since combining my plan with a self-determination to not even look at a scale; I have to admit-- I feel fantastic. I'm not obsessing about whether or not my plan is "working" based on how much I weigh. I realize that was a very poor assessment of my plan. So I'm now basing the success of my plan on keeping my health goals and how my body feels. I'd probably give myself an A- on keeping my health goals and an A for how my body feels right now. I'm feeling good. I'm super curious what the scale would tell me, but it can keep it to itself. I don't want this successful feeling to go away.

Postpartum Eating Disorder?

I don't know how to begin this... and I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it. I think I just want to know if this is normal, if if there's something wrong with me. so here it goes--

This has been on my mind obsessively since last week. I got a stomach bug that kept me in the bathroom for about 3 days (sorry, this may be TMI), and I hardly ate anything for the week. Because of this, I lost nearly 10 lbs in 3 days.

Since having a baby, I've been borderline obsessed with my weight. I check it almost everyday on our Wii Fit. Every fraction of a pound gained or lost can make or break my mood for the rest of the day. And when I realized that I lost almost 10 lbs in 3 days (because I hadn't eaten and "purged" myself of all food in me due to being sick)-- I was ecstatic, thrilled, excited, overjoyed, etc! I wanted to celebrate. and never eat again.

Celebrate what? after a few minutes on contemplating why I was happy, I realized that this seems sick. celebrating being sick to lose weight? what was wrong with me?

That night, I was able to eat a full dinner. And when I was done, I wanted nothing more than to get sick. Feeling full made me feel fat. I wanted every calorie I just ate to go away. But again, I realize this before going to the bathroom, and I KNOW that thinking like that will only lead to eating disordered behavior. So I didn't do what my stomach was crying out for me to do, and instead, I just went to the living room to weigh myself on the WiiFit, do some yoga, and feel depressed until I go to bed.

And every time it's meal time, I have an internal battle. To eat or not to eat? To purge or not to purge? And every time, I know that the correct answer is to eat something healthy, and to not purge it. Because if I don't eat, or if I purge it-- that means I have an eating disorder. And I don't.

Right?

I told my husband about how I've been feeling last night and he suggested I do some research. This is a study I found on postpartum and eating disorders. I'm still not sure if it helps. It basically said that women are really concerned about their weight after having a baby. Well, duh! I don't need a study to tell me that.

And, like I said, I've been obsessive about this lately.
-I still eat "normally", meaning I don't binge and I don't starve. Though there are times when I forget to eat because I'm busy taking care of a baby or working.
-I've never purposefully purged. I'm just happy when I get sick and can't keep food in me.
-I don't count calories. In fact, I don't even look at calorie content so that I won't count calories obsessively.
-I don't over-exercise. Who can with a new baby? But I won't lie-- if I could exercise all day, I would live on an elliptical or treadmill, or in a pool.
+On a side note, this also makes me think of when I was in high school. My junior year, I'm pretty sure I had some disordered eating/exercising problem. All I would eat was lettuce or celery (because someone had told me they have "negative calories", meaning that you burn more calories eating them than are in the food) and I would workout for 2 hours after school everyday until the school gym closed.

Do I have an eating disorder? Does anyone else do this?

Our Little Chatterbox

ok, so this was like, a month ago and i'm just getting it up here. being a mommy keeps you busy! enjoy!

Our munchkin is becoming a little chatterbox. And I LOVE it! She is so much fun to talk to, even if it is only baby babble. She can be excited, or serious, or playful, of any range of emotion and communicate that through her babble. She has intonations like in normal speech.

My little munchkin is so smart!

Post-Pregnancy Woes and Wonders

Having a baby changes your life-- well, duh. Anyone can tell you that, even if they don't have kids. I mean, one day you don't have a baby and the next you do. But I've discovered that after having a baby, there are things that change that don't necessarily have anything directly to do with that cute little bundle of joy. Here's my post-pregnancy woes and wonders.

Woes
1. stretch marks. they don't go away. they might fade and not look so bright, but it still leaves my skin feeling like a balloon formerly stuffed with pudding and now deflated and some pudding is still trapped inside. ugh!2. i've lost my abs. now, i've never been what people would call small, but i have to admit that i was quite proud of my "small" and FIRM abs. i mean, i could do 100 crunches or sit ups without breaking a sweat before i was preggers, and now i struggle to do a measly 10. and i've got a post-preggo gut. thanks, Heavenly Father for this humbling experience of losing my most prized feature of this wonderful body.










3. i thought my hips were huge before... boy, was i wrong. turns out, carrying and then pushing a baby out from between my hips made them even bigger.
4. i've lost all the baby weight and am a few pounds below my pre-preggy weight (this is NOT a woe!), and yet, all my clothes are too small. how does this happen???
5. my boobs can vary in size by over 1 cup size depending on time of day and how recently munchkin has eaten, and many times, i'm lopsided. especially in the morning when i feel like my left side is about to explode!
6. i'm losing hair... i loved my thicker hair while pregnant, and now i think i've lost enough to make myself a decent wig with my own hair.
7. you remember how when you're in high school and you think that everyone is always watching and judging you? but they're really not cuz everyone's too self-conscious and busy thinking the same thing that they don't really care about you. well, when you're a mom, suddenly, everyone and their dog is watching and judging you. perfect strangers in the baby section of a store can tell you how terrible a mother you are for letting your child have a binkie, buying less than the most expensive all-natural diapers, feeding your baby "evil" canned baby food "full of dangerous preservatives" instead of all-natural homemade baby food, and putting blue on a baby girl (because, of course we WANT to give her gender confusion and make everyone think she's a boy...?).

Wonders
1. I'm a mom. This seriously still amazes me everyday; i don't think it will ever cease to amaze me. This in itself is enough to balance out the above woes, but I'll continue.
2. I love someone that pukes on me on a daily basis. And occasionally poops or pees on me too; and then smiles about it.
3. I produce a 24 hr buffet for a baby. How awesome is it that my body was designed to feed my baby. I think it's pretty cool!
4. Breastfeeding and taking the mini-pill = no period! I love this!5. Watching my munchkin learn to do the simplest thing- like touch her feet to put them in her mouth, rolling over, laughing, smiling, and recognize her name.




6. Naomi sleeps through the night like an angel-- usually 10pm to 7 or 7:30am. I am probably the world's most spoiled mommy, because I can still get a full night's sleep almost every night!
7. Brad can and does change dirty diapers very often when he's home; even though he was adamantly opposed to it before munchkin was born. He's the best father and husband in the world!

A Grateful Heart is a Happy Heart

so, yesterday, munchkin was crying and i was getting a headache, and decided a nice walk outside would do us both some good. while out, i decided to go to the grocery store because we needed some milk and bread.

at the check out, the cashier-lady commented on how adorable she was. i mean, who can resist munchkin's cute little baby smiles? then she proceeds to tell me how much she would love to be able to stay home with her kids and just take care of them, and not have to work.
***now, i've been trying to find a a job all summer, so far, without success.***
and here's this kind woman here to remind me how awesome it is that i get to be a full-time mommy all day, everyday.

all i can reply is: "well, i'm very lucky right now. i get to do just that!"

I love my munchkin. I've decided that things will work out for the best. whether that means i get a job, or I get to stay home with munchkin. either one is good: a job means i can support out family; brad can take a full class load and quit his job (or at least cut back on hours); and we can move back east sooner. but staying at home with munchkin means: i get to see her everyday as she grows and develops SO FREAKIN" FAST and we don't have to leave her with a babysitter.

I love being a mommy, and I love my family. I'm so grateful I get to spend so much time with them. I'm happy!

What's Wrong???

Ok, so I'm on the job hunt. when i tell people this, they always ask: how's that going?

I reply: not so well, but i'm trying to stay postive. something has to come up. it just has to.
and the inevitable response is something along the lines of: have you tried (this)?
yes
have you looked here?
yes.
have you talked to someone?
yes.
well, what about . . .?

yes, people! i've done it all! I have applied for EVERY, literally, EVERY teaching job that i'm qualified for within 1 hr driving radius from provo. public schools, private schools, charter schools. i've registered with teacher-teachers.com, and every school district website in utah, jobs.utah.gov, americorps.com, and monster.com. i've gone to career workshops and counselors. i've built and rebuilt my resume a dozen times. i spend 5-6 hrs per day on the computer looking for jobs. i don't know what else i can do!!! and i'm still not getting called even for an interview!

what else can i do? because the impression i get from some (not all, but quite a few) is that i obviously must not be trying hard enough or i'm doing something wrong. hell, i'm even doing my spiritual part-- praying, paying tithing and fast offering (or rather, encouraging my husband to do so cuz i don't exactly get paid in anything more than dirty diapers and baby smiles), and i would be fasting (only i'm breastfeeding, and that don't mix well with fasting).

I want a job. I need a job. and i'm doing everything i possibly can to get one. i'm frustrated and stressed about how to pay rent and how my family is going to eat once brad starts classes again in a little over a month.

what am i doing wrong?

Roll Over, Bethoven!

And make room for our munchkin, who is quickly learning to be mobile. This baby girl's mobility learning curve is off the charts! Guess I've got my work cut for me.

A "First"

Munchkin rolled over by herself for the first time yesterday! Apparently, that's really early for a baby. She was 6 weeks and 2 days when she rolled over for the first time. She did it again this afternoon. I'm going to try and get a video of it!

This is a video of playing with munchkin. She's such a great baby!