I don't know how to begin this... and I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it. I think I just want to know if this is normal, if if there's something wrong with me. so here it goes--
This has been on my mind obsessively since last week. I got a stomach bug that kept me in the bathroom for about 3 days (sorry, this may be TMI), and I hardly ate anything for the week. Because of this, I lost nearly 10 lbs in 3 days.
Since having a baby, I've been borderline obsessed with my weight. I check it almost everyday on our Wii Fit. Every fraction of a pound gained or lost can make or break my mood for the rest of the day. And when I realized that I lost almost 10 lbs in 3 days (because I hadn't eaten and "purged" myself of all food in me due to being sick)-- I was ecstatic, thrilled, excited, overjoyed, etc! I wanted to celebrate. and never eat again.
Celebrate what? after a few minutes on contemplating why I was happy, I realized that this seems sick. celebrating being sick to lose weight? what was wrong with me?
That night, I was able to eat a full dinner. And when I was done, I wanted nothing more than to get sick. Feeling full made me feel fat. I wanted every calorie I just ate to go away. But again, I realize this before going to the bathroom, and I KNOW that thinking like that will only lead to eating disordered behavior. So I didn't do what my stomach was crying out for me to do, and instead, I just went to the living room to weigh myself on the WiiFit, do some yoga, and feel depressed until I go to bed.
And every time it's meal time, I have an internal battle. To eat or not to eat? To purge or not to purge? And every time, I know that the correct answer is to eat something healthy, and to not purge it. Because if I don't eat, or if I purge it-- that means I have an eating disorder. And I don't.
Right?
I told my husband about how I've been feeling last night and he suggested I do some research. This is a study I found on postpartum and eating disorders. I'm still not sure if it helps. It basically said that women are really concerned about their weight after having a baby. Well, duh! I don't need a study to tell me that.
And, like I said, I've been obsessive about this lately.
-I still eat "normally", meaning I don't binge and I don't starve. Though there are times when I forget to eat because I'm busy taking care of a baby or working.
-I've never purposefully purged. I'm just happy when I get sick and can't keep food in me.
-I don't count calories. In fact, I don't even look at calorie content so that I won't count calories obsessively.
-I don't over-exercise. Who can with a new baby? But I won't lie-- if I could exercise all day, I would live on an elliptical or treadmill, or in a pool.
+On a side note, this also makes me think of when I was in high school. My junior year, I'm pretty sure I had some disordered eating/exercising problem. All I would eat was lettuce or celery (because someone had told me they have "negative calories", meaning that you burn more calories eating them than are in the food) and I would workout for 2 hours after school everyday until the school gym closed.
Do I have an eating disorder? Does anyone else do this?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Our Little Chatterbox
ok, so this was like, a month ago and i'm just getting it up here. being a mommy keeps you busy! enjoy!
Our munchkin is becoming a little chatterbox. And I LOVE it! She is so much fun to talk to, even if it is only baby babble. She can be excited, or serious, or playful, of any range of emotion and communicate that through her babble. She has intonations like in normal speech.
My little munchkin is so smart!
Our munchkin is becoming a little chatterbox. And I LOVE it! She is so much fun to talk to, even if it is only baby babble. She can be excited, or serious, or playful, of any range of emotion and communicate that through her babble. She has intonations like in normal speech.
My little munchkin is so smart!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Post-Pregnancy Woes and Wonders
Having a baby changes your life-- well, duh. Anyone can tell you that, even if they don't have kids. I mean, one day you don't have a baby and the next you do. But I've discovered that after having a baby, there are things that change that don't necessarily have anything directly to do with that cute little bundle of joy. Here's my post-pregnancy woes and wonders.
Woes
1. stretch marks. they don't go away. they might fade and not look so bright, but it still leaves my skin feeling like a balloon formerly stuffed with pudding and now deflated and some pudding is still trapped inside. ugh!2. i've lost my abs. now, i've never been what people would call small, but i have to admit that i was quite proud of my "small" and FIRM abs. i mean, i could do 100 crunches or sit ups without breaking a sweat before i was preggers, and now i struggle to do a measly 10.
and i've got a post-preggo gut. thanks, Heavenly Father for this humbling experience of losing my most prized feature of this wonderful body.
3. i thought my hips were huge before... boy, was i wrong. turns out, carrying and then pushing a baby out from between my hips made them even bigger.
4. i've lost all the baby weight and am a few pounds below my pre-preggy weight (this is NOT a woe!), and yet, all my clothes are too small. how does this happen???
5. my boobs can vary in size by over 1 cup size depending on time of day and how recently munchkin has eaten, and many times, i'm lopsided. especially in the morning when i feel like my left side is about to explode!
6. i'm losing hair... i loved my thicker hair while pregnant, and now i think i've lost enough to make myself a decent wig with my own hair.
7. you remember how when you're in high school and you think that everyone is always watching and judging you? but they're really not cuz everyone's too self-conscious and busy thinking the same thing that they don't really care about you. well, when you're a mom, suddenly, everyone and their dog is watching and judging you. perfect strangers in the baby section of a store can tell you how terrible a mother you are for letting your child have a binkie, buying less than the most expensive all-natural diapers, feeding your baby "evil" canned baby food "full of dangerous preservatives" instead of all-natural homemade baby food, and putting blue on a baby girl (because, of course we WANT to give her gender confusion and make everyone think she's a boy...?).
Wonders
1. I'm a mom. This seriously still amazes me everyday; i don't think it will ever cease to amaze me. This in itself is enough to balance out the above woes, but I'll continue.
2. I love someone that pukes on me on a daily basis. And occasionally poops or pees on me too; and then smiles about it.3. I produce a 24 hr buffet for a baby. How awesome is it that my body was designed to feed my baby. I think it's pretty cool!
4. Breastfeeding and taking the mini-pill = no period! I love this!5. Watching my munchkin learn to do the simplest thing- like touch her feet to put them in her mouth, rolling over, laughing, smiling, and recognize her name.
6. Naomi sleeps through the night like an angel-- usually 10pm to 7 or 7:30am. I am probably the world's most spoiled mommy, because I can still get a full night's sleep almost every night!
7. Brad can and does change dirty diapers very often when he's home; even though he was adamantly opposed to it before munchkin was born. He's the best father and husband in the world!
Friday, August 13, 2010
A Grateful Heart is a Happy Heart
so, yesterday, munchkin was crying and i was getting a headache, and decided a nice walk outside would do us both some good. while out, i decided to go to the grocery store because we needed some milk and bread.
at the check out, the cashier-lady commented on how adorable she was. i mean, who can resist munchkin's cute little baby smiles? then she proceeds to tell me how much she would love to be able to stay home with her kids and just take care of them, and not have to work.
***now, i've been trying to find a a job all summer, so far, without success.***
and here's this kind woman here to remind me how awesome it is that i get to be a full-time mommy all day, everyday.
all i can reply is: "well, i'm very lucky right now. i get to do just that!"
I love my munchkin. I've decided that things will work out for the best. whether that means i get a job, or I get to stay home with munchkin. either one is good: a job means i can support out family; brad can take a full class load and quit his job (or at least cut back on hours); and we can move back east sooner. but staying at home with munchkin means: i get to see her everyday as she grows and develops SO FREAKIN" FAST and we don't have to leave her with a babysitter.
I love being a mommy, and I love my family. I'm so grateful I get to spend so much time with them. I'm happy!
at the check out, the cashier-lady commented on how adorable she was. i mean, who can resist munchkin's cute little baby smiles? then she proceeds to tell me how much she would love to be able to stay home with her kids and just take care of them, and not have to work.
***now, i've been trying to find a a job all summer, so far, without success.***
and here's this kind woman here to remind me how awesome it is that i get to be a full-time mommy all day, everyday.
all i can reply is: "well, i'm very lucky right now. i get to do just that!"
I love my munchkin. I've decided that things will work out for the best. whether that means i get a job, or I get to stay home with munchkin. either one is good: a job means i can support out family; brad can take a full class load and quit his job (or at least cut back on hours); and we can move back east sooner. but staying at home with munchkin means: i get to see her everyday as she grows and develops SO FREAKIN" FAST and we don't have to leave her with a babysitter.
I love being a mommy, and I love my family. I'm so grateful I get to spend so much time with them. I'm happy!
Friday, July 23, 2010
What's Wrong???
Ok, so I'm on the job hunt. when i tell people this, they always ask: how's that going?
I reply: not so well, but i'm trying to stay postive. something has to come up. it just has to.
and the inevitable response is something along the lines of: have you tried (this)?
yes
have you looked here?
yes.
have you talked to someone?
yes.
well, what about . . .?
yes, people! i've done it all! I have applied for EVERY, literally, EVERY teaching job that i'm qualified for within 1 hr driving radius from provo. public schools, private schools, charter schools. i've registered with teacher-teachers.com, and every school district website in utah, jobs.utah.gov, americorps.com, and monster.com. i've gone to career workshops and counselors. i've built and rebuilt my resume a dozen times. i spend 5-6 hrs per day on the computer looking for jobs. i don't know what else i can do!!! and i'm still not getting called even for an interview!
what else can i do? because the impression i get from some (not all, but quite a few) is that i obviously must not be trying hard enough or i'm doing something wrong. hell, i'm even doing my spiritual part-- praying, paying tithing and fast offering (or rather, encouraging my husband to do so cuz i don't exactly get paid in anything more than dirty diapers and baby smiles), and i would be fasting (only i'm breastfeeding, and that don't mix well with fasting).
I want a job. I need a job. and i'm doing everything i possibly can to get one. i'm frustrated and stressed about how to pay rent and how my family is going to eat once brad starts classes again in a little over a month.
what am i doing wrong?
I reply: not so well, but i'm trying to stay postive. something has to come up. it just has to.
and the inevitable response is something along the lines of: have you tried (this)?
yes
have you looked here?
yes.
have you talked to someone?
yes.
well, what about . . .?
yes, people! i've done it all! I have applied for EVERY, literally, EVERY teaching job that i'm qualified for within 1 hr driving radius from provo. public schools, private schools, charter schools. i've registered with teacher-teachers.com, and every school district website in utah, jobs.utah.gov, americorps.com, and monster.com. i've gone to career workshops and counselors. i've built and rebuilt my resume a dozen times. i spend 5-6 hrs per day on the computer looking for jobs. i don't know what else i can do!!! and i'm still not getting called even for an interview!
what else can i do? because the impression i get from some (not all, but quite a few) is that i obviously must not be trying hard enough or i'm doing something wrong. hell, i'm even doing my spiritual part-- praying, paying tithing and fast offering (or rather, encouraging my husband to do so cuz i don't exactly get paid in anything more than dirty diapers and baby smiles), and i would be fasting (only i'm breastfeeding, and that don't mix well with fasting).
I want a job. I need a job. and i'm doing everything i possibly can to get one. i'm frustrated and stressed about how to pay rent and how my family is going to eat once brad starts classes again in a little over a month.
what am i doing wrong?
Monday, June 14, 2010
Roll Over, Bethoven!
And make room for our munchkin, who is quickly learning to be mobile. This baby girl's mobility learning curve is off the charts! Guess I've got my work cut for me.
Friday, June 4, 2010
A "First"
Munchkin rolled over by herself for the first time yesterday! Apparently, that's really early for a baby. She was 6 weeks and 2 days when she rolled over for the first time. She did it again this afternoon. I'm going to try and get a video of it!
This is a video of playing with munchkin. She's such a great baby!
This is a video of playing with munchkin. She's such a great baby!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Happy 1 Month, Munchkin!
To celebrate our little munchkin's survival (and ours!) to 1 month of life outside the womb! We look forward to many more months and years of adventures with you, Naomi!
Oh, and before I forget-- check out http://bellepetitephoto.blogspot.com/
My friend Sarah from my single's ward a couple years back is a fabulous photographer. She's having a photo shoot giveaway before she moves, and I'm hoping to win to get awesome photos of our munchkin. Check out her site and enter the contest!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Attack of the Exploding Diaper!
it started out as any normal day ( a great day, in fact, for having a newborn baby because naomi had just slept nearly 7 hours through the night). but little did mommy know that her arch enemy-- the poopy diaper-- was preparing a deadly assault.
approximately 1500 hours and 15 minutes: mommy noticed that baby's diaper was dirty and decided to change it. nothing out of the ordinary.
3:17pm: mommy places a clean diaper under the dirty one. mommy opens the dirty diaper. wet. poopy, moderatly full. no signs of diaper rash.
3:18pm: mommy grabs a baby wipe and proceeds to clean the soiled area.
3:19pm: mommy removes the dirty diaper and wraps it up in preparation for disposal.
3:19pm: ATTACK!!! a stream of icky yellow baby poop launches itself out of naomi's baby bum, across 5-6 inches of changing table and another 6 inches of carpet and lands on mommy's tummy and runs down her pants.
3:20pm: mommy rapidly tries to clean the carpet to prevent baby poop stains. calls daddy for backup-- no answer. distress message left.
3:21pm: mommy stands up to see a fountain of pee raising 2 inches into the air before drenching the baby changing table and everything on it.
3:22pm: mommy sets up the baby bath tub. fill with water. call daddy again. no answer.
3:25pm: mommy wipes off baby's entire lower-half with baby wipes. wrap baby in a towel. put baby in baby bathtub. ATTACK!!! baby towel is hit!
3:26pm: call daddy for backup; still no answer. call BYU-info, ask for the number for the secretary at daddy's work. ask secretary to retrieve daddy from the basement and send him home, mommy needs emergency backup!
3:28pm: call Grammsie-- "come back to utah! I need your help!"
3:29pm: ATTACK!!! yellow baby poop begins to boil up and over baby's legs while she's still in the babytub. "Grammsie, I REALLY need your help now! Can't you teleport to utah and save me?!"
3:30pm: turn on kitchen faucet, rinse baby in sink. be careful not to drop crying baby as she thrashes about.
3:33pm: wrap baby in daddy's towel. put on clean diaper. swaddle in baby blanket.
3:34pm: daddy arrives at home to a happy and smiling baby, but a very poop-covered wife, bedroom, and kitchen.
approximately 1500 hours and 15 minutes: mommy noticed that baby's diaper was dirty and decided to change it. nothing out of the ordinary.
3:17pm: mommy places a clean diaper under the dirty one. mommy opens the dirty diaper. wet. poopy, moderatly full. no signs of diaper rash.
3:18pm: mommy grabs a baby wipe and proceeds to clean the soiled area.
3:19pm: mommy removes the dirty diaper and wraps it up in preparation for disposal.
3:19pm: ATTACK!!! a stream of icky yellow baby poop launches itself out of naomi's baby bum, across 5-6 inches of changing table and another 6 inches of carpet and lands on mommy's tummy and runs down her pants.
3:20pm: mommy rapidly tries to clean the carpet to prevent baby poop stains. calls daddy for backup-- no answer. distress message left.
3:21pm: mommy stands up to see a fountain of pee raising 2 inches into the air before drenching the baby changing table and everything on it.
3:22pm: mommy sets up the baby bath tub. fill with water. call daddy again. no answer.
3:25pm: mommy wipes off baby's entire lower-half with baby wipes. wrap baby in a towel. put baby in baby bathtub. ATTACK!!! baby towel is hit!
3:26pm: call daddy for backup; still no answer. call BYU-info, ask for the number for the secretary at daddy's work. ask secretary to retrieve daddy from the basement and send him home, mommy needs emergency backup!
3:28pm: call Grammsie-- "come back to utah! I need your help!"
3:29pm: ATTACK!!! yellow baby poop begins to boil up and over baby's legs while she's still in the babytub. "Grammsie, I REALLY need your help now! Can't you teleport to utah and save me?!"
3:30pm: turn on kitchen faucet, rinse baby in sink. be careful not to drop crying baby as she thrashes about.
3:33pm: wrap baby in daddy's towel. put on clean diaper. swaddle in baby blanket.
3:34pm: daddy arrives at home to a happy and smiling baby, but a very poop-covered wife, bedroom, and kitchen.
The Birth Story: Naomi Edition
I've got the cutest little girl ever! She's seriously perfect in almost every way-- she's even sleeping through the night already, even if her "night doesn't start til 2am," it at least lasts til 9 or 10 am!!! Yes; I'm know i'm the luckiest mommy ever!
pictures to come soon!
The Birth Story
So, my due date was Monday, April 19th. The day came and went, and Naomi had no intention of coming. I cried myself to sleep that night because I wasn't going into labor and was convinced that she would decide to come on Thursday night or Friday morning-- which is when i was supposed to graduate from BYU. my family was coming into town on Wednesday for my graduation and they wanted to meet the newest member of the family before leaving Saturday morning. but Brad, being the righteous and wonderful husband that he is, reminded me to pray for comfort and then offered to give me a blessing. It brought great comfort, and i was able to go to sleep peacefully despite knowing that my little girl would not be coming that night.
Tuesday, April 20th at 10:30am, I was scheduled for an NST (non-stress test) since i was "past-due." Basically they hook me up to a monitor to measure baby's heart rate and mommy's contractions. I apparently had 3 or 4 contractions while i was there, but i didn't feel them. The nurse said she was concerned about a couple dips, so she had the specialist doctor look at it and he said i needed to go to the hospital to be induced, "right now." i looked at her in shock-- wait, what? the dips she was concerned about,she called them "late decelerations" and it looked like baby's heart rate went down just before i had a contraction, and she explained that it meant something like my placenta was "getting tired." we bargined with her that we needed to go home for some things and run some errands before going to the hospital, so she gave us an hour.
we got to the hospital about 12:45pm. I was started on pitocin within 20 minutes. I was supposed to pick up my graduation gown at 1pm, but the nurse was already upset at letting us take an hour to get to the hospital, so after checking in, Brad left to go get my cap and gown about 2pm or so. I just watched tv and relaxed. About 2:30pm or so, my midwife arrived and wanted to break my water, but Brad wasn't back yet, and he wanted to be there, so I asked her to wait. I called Brad and he said he would be there ASAP. (This whole time, I still don't feel as though I've felt any contractions and I've been on pitocin for almost 2 hours.) He gets there and my water is broken at around 3pm-ish. Within about 20 minutes, I begin to feel slight tightening which I assume is contractions because it makes the monitor happy and lines start making bigger humps on the screen. Brad is at my side, and we just start watching a movie (Madagascar 2:Escape to Africa) as the contractions begin to get stronger and stronger and last longer and longer. Within 30 minutes, I'm fully utilizing the breathing techniques I'd learned and constantly reminding myself-- I need to relax, tensing only creates pain. relax, breath. relax. relax, breathe. relax. Relax... RELAX! ok, i don't know how to relax--BREATHE!!!
I begin think-chanting to myself, "i can do this, i can do this. I can do this!" (think of the story "The Little Engine That Could.") when the nurse checks me, however, and I haven't made ANY progress at all... I feel like I've wasted all my energy for nothing. I'm at 4 cm and 70% effaced. (now, you gotta understand-- I was dialated to 4 1/2 cm yesterday,before they even induced me, and 80% effaced. When the nurses checked me after getting to the hospital, they told me I was only 3 cm and 60% effaced.) i was in freaking active labor and I had gone backwards?!?!?! That's when I got upset... I became vocalizing upset-- not yelling, mind you. just pretty peeved off and wanting to vent my opinion. The pitocin is at full strength, and I tell Brad, "I'm beginning to think about getting that epidural." He's wonderful and encouraging and does exactly what I had asked him-- reminds me of everything we'd learned, my body was designed for this ("especially well designed" he adds), I am strong and can do it, our baby girl is worth it. He holds my hand, massages me, breaths with me-- even the nurses are impressed and jokingly offer him a job cuz he's just that amazing!
This lasts about 2 hours when the nurses tell me i need to use the bathroom. We were good until then-- once in the bathroom, alone, with the contraction that wouldn't end after 3 minutes, I begin crying. I no longer think I can do this. My moaning turns into sobbing as Brad helps me back to bed; "I really think i'm going to need the epidural," I tell him, feeling defeated as I'm crying in the terribly immodest hospital gown that hides nothing from everyone in the room. "let's have the nurses check you. if you're not to a certain point by now, then you can tell me and we'll get one for you. " i agree, and want to be at least 6cm or more to keep going without the drugs.
I'm only 5cm. But i had made progress, i tell myself, so I don't give brad the signal right away. i think for about 7 or 8 more minutes (through 3 contractions) before i start crying again, and say the magic words-- "I want the epidural. please, get me an epidural!" The nurses go to call the anesthesiologist and my midwife arives to check on me and help me calm down since she realized i asked for the epidural. She shows us some new things to do to help relax-- they work amazingly well, but it's really tiring for Brad. He's sweating withing less than 10 minutes. The anesthesiologist still isn't there, and I don't know how much longer Brad can last, or myself without his help. I ask there nurses-- apparently the anesthesiologist is out for dinner (it's a little after 5pm) and so they called his back-up. He's on his way and will be there in about 30 minutes. I basically cry and hum to myself really loudly until he gets there 25 minutes later. The epidural takes the edge off immediately, and after 10 minutes, I can't feel anything and my toes are just a teeny bit tingly.
Over the next 2 hours, Brad and I relax and talk until I'm fully dialated and ffaced. Then the midwife advises me to take a nap and that she will be back in about an hour so we can start pushing. She just wants me to relax and let some contractions move the baby down further so that pushing will be easier. A half hour later, I begin to feel pressure from contractions and like I should push, but my midwife isn't there and the nurses are busy. Luckily, the epidural allowed me to simply breath and relax through them easily for another half hour. When the midwife showed up, an hour after she left exactly as she promised, we began pushing and Naomi was in my arms within 40 minutes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So... in the end, I threw my birthplan out the window. Kinda needed to, but oh well. I had psyched myself up for a drug-free birth and that didn't happen; and yet, I'm not really disappointed at all. Going into it, before I knew I would be induced, I was confident that I could have my baby without taking drugs despite the horror stories of pain in childbirth that a few women absolutely insisted on telling me after I asked them not to. I kinda believed that "as long as they don't give me Pitocin, i can do it"-- because every woman who encouraged me in my desire to give birth without drugs supported me because they had a terrible birth experience when given pitocin. Pitocin was the arch enemy and made birth terrible, but I could do it. When my midwife made me face the reality that I would likely be induced (since they would induce at 41 weeks and babies in my family traditionally were 10-14 days late), she encouraged me and let me know of women who still gave birth without getting an epidural or analgesics when given pitocin.
the day I was sent to the hospital to be induced, I was confident that I would TRY to go as long as I could without getting an epidural, and hoped i would have the strength to go through it without getting drugs despite being induced. well, I couldn't. but that doesn't mean that I'm upset with the way thigns were handled. and pitocin didn't make birth a horrible experience. I'm glad I have a happy and healthy baby. And i don't feel disappointed in myself for getting the epidural. I'd still like to try for a non-drug birth next time, but I think all in all, it was definitely worth it.
pictures to come soon!
The Birth Story
So, my due date was Monday, April 19th. The day came and went, and Naomi had no intention of coming. I cried myself to sleep that night because I wasn't going into labor and was convinced that she would decide to come on Thursday night or Friday morning-- which is when i was supposed to graduate from BYU. my family was coming into town on Wednesday for my graduation and they wanted to meet the newest member of the family before leaving Saturday morning. but Brad, being the righteous and wonderful husband that he is, reminded me to pray for comfort and then offered to give me a blessing. It brought great comfort, and i was able to go to sleep peacefully despite knowing that my little girl would not be coming that night.
Tuesday, April 20th at 10:30am, I was scheduled for an NST (non-stress test) since i was "past-due." Basically they hook me up to a monitor to measure baby's heart rate and mommy's contractions. I apparently had 3 or 4 contractions while i was there, but i didn't feel them. The nurse said she was concerned about a couple dips, so she had the specialist doctor look at it and he said i needed to go to the hospital to be induced, "right now." i looked at her in shock-- wait, what? the dips she was concerned about,she called them "late decelerations" and it looked like baby's heart rate went down just before i had a contraction, and she explained that it meant something like my placenta was "getting tired." we bargined with her that we needed to go home for some things and run some errands before going to the hospital, so she gave us an hour.
we got to the hospital about 12:45pm. I was started on pitocin within 20 minutes. I was supposed to pick up my graduation gown at 1pm, but the nurse was already upset at letting us take an hour to get to the hospital, so after checking in, Brad left to go get my cap and gown about 2pm or so. I just watched tv and relaxed. About 2:30pm or so, my midwife arrived and wanted to break my water, but Brad wasn't back yet, and he wanted to be there, so I asked her to wait. I called Brad and he said he would be there ASAP. (This whole time, I still don't feel as though I've felt any contractions and I've been on pitocin for almost 2 hours.) He gets there and my water is broken at around 3pm-ish. Within about 20 minutes, I begin to feel slight tightening which I assume is contractions because it makes the monitor happy and lines start making bigger humps on the screen. Brad is at my side, and we just start watching a movie (Madagascar 2:Escape to Africa) as the contractions begin to get stronger and stronger and last longer and longer. Within 30 minutes, I'm fully utilizing the breathing techniques I'd learned and constantly reminding myself-- I need to relax, tensing only creates pain. relax, breath. relax. relax, breathe. relax. Relax... RELAX! ok, i don't know how to relax--BREATHE!!!
I begin think-chanting to myself, "i can do this, i can do this. I can do this!" (think of the story "The Little Engine That Could.") when the nurse checks me, however, and I haven't made ANY progress at all... I feel like I've wasted all my energy for nothing. I'm at 4 cm and 70% effaced. (now, you gotta understand-- I was dialated to 4 1/2 cm yesterday,before they even induced me, and 80% effaced. When the nurses checked me after getting to the hospital, they told me I was only 3 cm and 60% effaced.) i was in freaking active labor and I had gone backwards?!?!?! That's when I got upset... I became vocalizing upset-- not yelling, mind you. just pretty peeved off and wanting to vent my opinion. The pitocin is at full strength, and I tell Brad, "I'm beginning to think about getting that epidural." He's wonderful and encouraging and does exactly what I had asked him-- reminds me of everything we'd learned, my body was designed for this ("especially well designed" he adds), I am strong and can do it, our baby girl is worth it. He holds my hand, massages me, breaths with me-- even the nurses are impressed and jokingly offer him a job cuz he's just that amazing!
This lasts about 2 hours when the nurses tell me i need to use the bathroom. We were good until then-- once in the bathroom, alone, with the contraction that wouldn't end after 3 minutes, I begin crying. I no longer think I can do this. My moaning turns into sobbing as Brad helps me back to bed; "I really think i'm going to need the epidural," I tell him, feeling defeated as I'm crying in the terribly immodest hospital gown that hides nothing from everyone in the room. "let's have the nurses check you. if you're not to a certain point by now, then you can tell me and we'll get one for you. " i agree, and want to be at least 6cm or more to keep going without the drugs.
I'm only 5cm. But i had made progress, i tell myself, so I don't give brad the signal right away. i think for about 7 or 8 more minutes (through 3 contractions) before i start crying again, and say the magic words-- "I want the epidural. please, get me an epidural!" The nurses go to call the anesthesiologist and my midwife arives to check on me and help me calm down since she realized i asked for the epidural. She shows us some new things to do to help relax-- they work amazingly well, but it's really tiring for Brad. He's sweating withing less than 10 minutes. The anesthesiologist still isn't there, and I don't know how much longer Brad can last, or myself without his help. I ask there nurses-- apparently the anesthesiologist is out for dinner (it's a little after 5pm) and so they called his back-up. He's on his way and will be there in about 30 minutes. I basically cry and hum to myself really loudly until he gets there 25 minutes later. The epidural takes the edge off immediately, and after 10 minutes, I can't feel anything and my toes are just a teeny bit tingly.
Over the next 2 hours, Brad and I relax and talk until I'm fully dialated and ffaced. Then the midwife advises me to take a nap and that she will be back in about an hour so we can start pushing. She just wants me to relax and let some contractions move the baby down further so that pushing will be easier. A half hour later, I begin to feel pressure from contractions and like I should push, but my midwife isn't there and the nurses are busy. Luckily, the epidural allowed me to simply breath and relax through them easily for another half hour. When the midwife showed up, an hour after she left exactly as she promised, we began pushing and Naomi was in my arms within 40 minutes.
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So... in the end, I threw my birthplan out the window. Kinda needed to, but oh well. I had psyched myself up for a drug-free birth and that didn't happen; and yet, I'm not really disappointed at all. Going into it, before I knew I would be induced, I was confident that I could have my baby without taking drugs despite the horror stories of pain in childbirth that a few women absolutely insisted on telling me after I asked them not to. I kinda believed that "as long as they don't give me Pitocin, i can do it"-- because every woman who encouraged me in my desire to give birth without drugs supported me because they had a terrible birth experience when given pitocin. Pitocin was the arch enemy and made birth terrible, but I could do it. When my midwife made me face the reality that I would likely be induced (since they would induce at 41 weeks and babies in my family traditionally were 10-14 days late), she encouraged me and let me know of women who still gave birth without getting an epidural or analgesics when given pitocin.
the day I was sent to the hospital to be induced, I was confident that I would TRY to go as long as I could without getting an epidural, and hoped i would have the strength to go through it without getting drugs despite being induced. well, I couldn't. but that doesn't mean that I'm upset with the way thigns were handled. and pitocin didn't make birth a horrible experience. I'm glad I have a happy and healthy baby. And i don't feel disappointed in myself for getting the epidural. I'd still like to try for a non-drug birth next time, but I think all in all, it was definitely worth it.
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