Biggest Loser Challenge Reflection

I'm so nervous about posting this... but here it goes.

My in-law family did a Biggest Loser Challenge.  Some good came out of it, though I'm pretty sure I'll never do it again. It's just not healthy for me.  I have too many issues with my body image and self-confidence.

I do really well when I have a personal challenge to overcome, and the only person I'm trying to "beat" is myself.  Like the 24 Hour Challenge to work out 24 hours in the month of February. I made it with 25:05 hours of exercise in February.  There was no extrinsic motivation involved-- it was just me wanting to be a better me.  I felt good about it; and I won.

When I made my "contract" with my husband, it was only about me eating better and exercising for myself.  We decided to put a money reward system in place so I wouldn't be tempted to judge my success by the scale sicnce that has led to unhealthy behaviors in the past.  If I met all the goals in my contract that week, I'd get $5, if I messed up once I got $0, and if I messed up more than once I had to pay back $5.  I never weighed myself, and I didn't have a problem with that.  For the first time, I really learned to ignore the scale and start looking at me in a new way.  A way that allowed me to really look in the mirror and feel like I was worth something.  That I could feel beautiful now, even if I'm not at my goal weight; even though I don't even know what my weight is.

When the holidays came, I broke down and ended up owing Brad something like $20 and to punish myself even more, I weighed myself and had gained 8 lbs over the holidays.  But when the new year came, and we were back home, and school started, I bought a fitness band from BYU so I could attend the aerobics classes.  I bought one with a friend and we motivated each other to go.  I started loving exercise for the first time.  It was a really good motivator. As I'm becoming healthier, or as my circumstances change, the "contract" is open for amendment or alteration if there is a good reason for it and it will help me moved towards being healthier. (And can i just say that Zumba is one of the greatest things ever developed?  Because that has been the number one exercise that has helped me learn to enjoy "feeling the burn" and feeling like i can accomplish something.)

About the same time, the Neeley Biggest Loser Challenge (NBLC) came up.  I'd heard about them in the past, and one was held over the holidays that I wished I had known about because I would have loved to do it (a Triathalon over a month thing or something like that). After the first week of the NBLC, I had gained 1/2 lb when everyone else in the challenge had seemed to drop 5 lbs.  And here is my first trip-- I started letting myself go back to that scale to judge my success.  I never should have done that!  I knew that I have issues with the scale, and bad history.  But I did it anyway because I thought it would be fun to do with family. And I thought I had conquered the scale's power over me. Well, I was going to be wrong.  I was tempted ot make a "fitness goal" instead because that was allowed, but since I had no idea where I was and had just started exercising again, I had no idea what kind of goal would be challenging but still possible with in 6 weeks.  So I made a weight loss goal.

I can be so stupid sometimes.

I sent out a "cry for help" if you will on a previous blog post.  A friend recommended I use www.myfitnesspal.com (MFP). It's a calorie counting website.  At first, I was really skeptical. I'd tried counting calories before and keeping a food diary.  And it led me down a dangerous path of disordered thinking about food and disordered eating habits.  Never a full-blown, I need therapy, kind of eating disorder.  But I'll admit that there was a time in high school when I would go for days and only eat lettuce or celery and work out for 2 hours a day after school until the school gym closed.  And then i'd go on binges eating anything and everything I wanted.  I would try to make myself throw up, but never could.  I'd think about using laxatives, but never had my own money to buy something like that without people finding out.  I never got dangerously thin.  In fact, even at my lowest weight ever, I was still considered "obese" by those charts that doctors use.

Well, I decided that I would give MFP a shot since it was recommended by a friend who was studying to be a dietitian and she used it.  It does have a food diary and it counts calories, but the genius that designed it set it up in such a way that the site can recommend to you how many calories to eat based on your weight, height, body composition, and lifestyle.  If you're under your calories too much, it gives you a warning that you are doing something unhealthy.  It makes recommendations of where calories should come from (carbs, fat, protein), vitamins and minerals I should pay attention to, and accounts for calories burned during exercise. It's wonderful.

On top of that, MFP has a built in support system.  Everyone else on the site can leave messages of support, encouragement, and advice.  It's propelled me to research health and fitness, to understand my body better, and to stay motivated when my results show in places other than the scale.  And I can be reminded of the "healthy way" to do things, so I don't go and do something stupid like I did in high school.

But back to my point.  I don't think I have a healthy enough sense of self-confidence and competitive resilience to deal with things like NBLC.  Because it's not just me that I'm trying to conquer.  It's also a competitive family vying for an extrinsic monetary reward. I've enjoyed getting to know some of, in fact, most of, my in-law family better.  My workout buddy in the challenge was always super supportive and encouraging!  (Thanks, Aunt Linda.  You're amazing! And Alison, it was such a pleasant surprise to find you on MFP also.  Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement! and I can never thank my wonderful husband enough-- for listening to me cry and rant and rave when I felt cut down.)  But in the end, there are some instances when I felt that competition won out over encouragement to be a better and healthier person.  I felt like small successes and learning experiences were devalued.  And I know that none of it was intended to be hurtful. But I felt hurt-- and that's all me. And I guess I'm just not capable of not taking something like that personally, and I've found myself in situations cryingafter reading what was said.  So, I guess it's for the best, both for my personal health and the health of family relationships if I never do something like this again.  My journey to better health and weight loss is mine alone, and I'm going to keep it that way from now on.  Not because the competition itself was bad; it might have been a very good experience for other family involved, but it was a bad competition for me. I allowed myself to get caught in the numbers game.  I never win in a numbers game, because I have a terrible tendency of looking at the numbers instead of what the numbers mean.

And I'm just recording this so that in the future, I can remember what I'm thinking now so i don't make the same mistake again.  I have a long way to go in regards to my body image and self-confidence.  I read a quote today that I also think should be shared, but mostly remembered by myself:
"love yourself no matter what you weigh.  If somebody comes up to you and tells you you’re fat or if somebody comes up to you and tells you your beautiful — that has absolutely nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with who they are.  And remember that.”
It was from a podcast interview with Kai Ribband, a finalist contestant on Biggest Loser, Season 3.  You can find her whole interview at http://www.bodylovewellness.com/2010/06/09/kai-hibbard-biggest-loser-finalist-part-1-of-3/. She talks about her experience on Biggest Loser and about how the reality isn't what you see on the "reality show." Very thought provoking. Since reading that, I have gone back and watched a season of Biggest Loser.  It seems like it can be a very powerful motivator for some.  And just like the contestants on that show, sometimes it was a better choice for them to pursue their journey to better health not in the BL competition.  I think I'd be one of those people, who can do better pursuing my own better health not in a competition against others, and only against myself.

I think the best thing that has come of of doing the NBLC was prompting me to join MFP.  I've made lifestyle changes.  I'm not going to gain back the weight I've lost during the challenge.  I'm going to keep being healthy.  I'm finally going to reach my weight and fitness goals, even if it takes a long time.