There. I said it.
I am out of my mind stressed. And full of feelings of guilt.
and maybe, just maybe, if I'm completely honest and can finally tell someone how freaking stressed and guilty I feel, it will help alleviate some of the guilt and stress that keeps me from being fully and truly excited for this little guy to join our family.
Most of it is financial. Our family, with the addition of baby Samson, will be too big for out little car. We need a bigger vehicle. We've been putting off getting a second vehicle for almost 2 years-- which has been the source of tons of frustration and some episodes of, *gulp* depression. (yet another admission...) You see, Brad needs our car to go to work about 20-25 minutes away. And we've been trying to save for a 2nd car every since he got a job. But something ALWAYS comes up, and we can never seem to save enough. It has been a blessing to always be saving, so when stuff happens, we can usually make it through (emergency appendectomy, kids playing in the medicine cabinet, ambulance rides, car repairs, crazy increases in taxes and health insurance, etc, etc). We've always made it through, but our savings hasn't. And so, we keep waiting for our 2nd car, and counting our blessings when we do have to dip into the piggy bank.
We can't afford a car payment. We only want to buy a vehicle with cash. Largely because we have good months that go onto savings, and we have bad months when we have to use some of the savings. If we had a car payment, we might break even on good months and bad months would just be awful.
We've trimmed our budget to bare necessities the last 5 months. I mean supplementing almost every dinner with food storage stuff. The food storage is almost empty. Just in time for when we should be buying a couple Christmas presents. The only "luxury" we could cut at this point is our membership to the local YMCA, but really, we depend on that to motivate us to stay active and involved in our community. We all go multiple times every week. We don't have cable or satellite. We have bare bones cell phone plans available from our providers, and no home phone. I try to not use the A/C or heat as much as possible. If something is within 1.5 miles one-way (which isn't much, but still), we walk so we don't use gas in the car. I tried my hand at gardening this year even though I'm incredibly allergic to all things green and growing outside to save a bit on produce. Can you see how stressed this can make a person?
My biggest stress: Health insurance! ARGHHH! We have a high deductible plan through Brad's work (which I'm grateful to have, by the way, please don't get me wrong here). Last year, we met that deductible in March when Brad had appendicitis. This year, we met the deductible in February after an incident involving Munchkin getting into the medicine cabinet at nap time and giving "candy" (aka iron pills) to Papoose, and then later that same week a bad case of dehydration and an over-reactive group of drs that care more about testing Munchkin for appendicitis than giving her fluids to treat her dehydration. We are still playing off medical bills, and at the current rate, those should be paid off in January or February.
Well, Samson's due date is officially Jan. 9, 2014. It's important to note that no one in my family ever has their babies early. Two weeks late, all the time. On time, rarely. Early.... NEVER. Munchkin was 1 day late, but I had to be induced. Papoose was miraculously 1 day early, which is pretty much on time by my definition. Since we've already met our deductible this year, if Samson by some miracle comes 10 days early (which is, medically, completely healthy and "full term"), everything is covered. But come Jan 1, we have to pay $5000 out of pocket before insurance kicks in.
Remember that van our family needs? And the meager savings... and how we're STILL paying off medical bills from February... yeah. We can kiss that all goodbye if baby Samson is born in 2014. I have NO CLUE how we will ever be able to afford anything next year unless baby Samson comes early. I spoke with my OB about our concerns. She's sympathetic, but there's nothing she can do. The hospital won't let her induce before 39 weeks (which is Jan 2 for me) without a "medical emergency." She can't change my due date (even by 2-3 days, so my 39 week mark is still in 2013) without risking losing her medical license and being investigated by the insurance company (and thus not getting paid, and us having to foot the entire bill, not just the first $5000). What she can do is strip my membranes and advise me to take castor oil after I hit 37 weeks, which she is fully supportive and willing to do. For that, I am grateful.
Until I read articles that link induced labor or babies born early with a higher risk of learning disabilities, autism, ADD, ADHD. Or talk to other moms who look at me like I'm crazy for doing anything that could risk my baby's health for such selfish reasons as money.
And so, Here I am, therapeutically venting on the blog about how much guilt I'm feeling about wanting baby Samson to be born 2 weeks early. There. I admitted it.
And I know, somehow, because I know God loves us and is watching out for us...that "All things shall work together for [my] good", but I really don't know HOW it will work out unless Samson comes early. And I'm told over and over to stop stressing because there is nothing I can do... and it's true. There is nothing I can do, and I am having the HARDEST time trusting God to help our family through this time. I'm having the hardest time finding peace with this looming birth and uncertainty of financial issues.
All things truthful, we are not destitute. Though I think my above whining may make it appear that way. We are very blessed to be able to work towards paying off debt (medical bills, student loan, mortgage). We have a nice home. Brad's job provides well enough that I can be a stay-at-home mom (and really, any job I'm qualified for wouldn't pay enough to cover childcare for me to work, so it's the best option in many ways). We put a small amount towards retirement every paycheck, and into savings even when it seems inadequate. Our basic needs are covered, as well as some future needs, and we just go without luxuries and get creative sometimes.
Doctrine & Covenants 90:24
24 Search
So friends... have any of you ever had a time when it almost felt impossible to just trust that Heavenly Father will help everything workout ok? What helped you finally find peace? I could really use some testimony building stories right now.
6 comments:
I have so many stories I could tell you about how things worked out perfectly in the end. It's hard to trust in the Lord, especially His timing. First of all, it is possible to make a baby come early without castor oil, haha. Rozzy was 11 days early and Aly was 10 days early. Second, everytime we have decided to have a baby it has never been financially ideal. For example, this baby can't fit in our car. We are already filled to capacity. But, everything has ALWAYS worked out in our favor in the end. The miracles happen when you let go and put it in the Lord's hands. I have had to do that so many times. Let yourself get excited about this baby. Let go of the need to control the situation. Do everything you can do to work it out, but anything beyond what you can do, leave it to the Lord. I encourage you to pour out these stresses and concerns to your Heavenly Father. Lay your burdens at his feet and he will make them light. Get a blessing of comfort. This is a joyful time. Don't let these stresses ruin it for you. You know that I have been through some huge things in my life, but I have gotten through them. Remember those times in your own life. Think of those tender mercies. These things will boost your faith and give you strength. Also, call me whenever you need. :)
I have so many stories I could tell you about how things worked out perfectly in the end. It's hard to trust in the Lord, especially His timing. First of all, it is possible to make a baby come early without castor oil, haha. Rozzy was 11 days early and Aly was 10 days early. Second, everytime we have decided to have a baby it has never been financially ideal. For example, this baby can't fit in our car. We are already filled to capacity. But, everything has ALWAYS worked out in our favor in the end. The miracles happen when you let go and put it in the Lord's hands. I have had to do that so many times. Let yourself get excited about this baby. Let go of the need to control the situation. Do everything you can do to work it out, but anything beyond what you can do, leave it to the Lord. I encourage you to pour out these stresses and concerns to your Heavenly Father. Lay your burdens at his feet and he will make them light. Get a blessing of comfort. This is a joyful time. Don't let these stresses ruin it for you. You know that I have been through some huge things in my life, but I have gotten through them. Remember those times in your own life. Think of those tender mercies. These things will boost your faith and give you strength. Also, call me whenever you need. :)
Have you tried getting the bills reduced by the hospital based on your income and family size? Just a thought. Also the Lord ALWAYS provides! So sit back have some chocolate and watch his plan unfold you will be amazed ;)
That really is so stressful Marie! It's hard to be excited for a baby when you have so many stresses pushing through. Have you thought of switching Drs or hospitals for this baby? It sounds like this hospital is pretty strict with not letting you induce early. My sister-in-law was induced a few weeks early because her sister was getting married and she wanted to be recovered enough to travel to be there. So I know that it's done. Maybe it's worth looking into switching to find someone who will do what you want. Whatever you decide, you will be in our prayers. And it really WILL work out.
danielle, thank you. typing that out on a kindle is some serious love!
tami, the hospital that I delivered ruthe at is closing its maternity ward because of budget cuts, and our insurance will only cover this 1 other hospital in the area. my OB said she wouldn't hesitate to induce early after talking about my concerns, but it's the hospital regulations (newly in place since the Affordable Care Act was passed) that prevent her from inducing early.
jessy, we've looked into assistance with stuff like that but we don't qualify. we have insurance, and brad makes just a tad bit too much (like less than 1000 per year over the limit) to qualify for need-based assistance. we're seriously in this no-man's land of making enough to just barely make it, but if we made less, we'd feel like we had a better "standard of living" because we'd qualify for all kinds of government assistance.
Brad, after considering switching jobs and getting the prayerful answer that now is not the right time to do that, even went to his boss after they gave pay cuts and a lay-off to explain our situation and that he needs a raise. surprisingly, the boss was super understanding and told brad that his work reflects that he's deserving of a raise, but it will have to wait for at least a year. We understand, and love the company because they treat us like family. They are amazing.
I'm sorry that this is so stressful for you. We've had our share of stress about money matters, so I empathize with you. Another possible solution, are there any midwives in your area? The midwives around here only cost about $2000 to deliver a baby. You'd be paying out of pocket, but it's going to be a lot better than the $5000 you'd pay at the hospital because of your insurance.
Post a Comment